Today my husband and I move Mary Claire into her sorority house. She is officially a sophomore at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. After living at home this summer with her three younger brothers and us, she is MORE than ready to jump in feet first with several other Delta Gamma sisters to ready themselves for formal recruitment, taking place next week.  She is excited to experience this part of sorority recruitment and welcome all of the potential new members into their chapter home.

Having my daughter with us all summer was a blessing but now it is time for her to transition back into her college life. Boxes showed up on her attic staircase a few days ago with clothes, toiletries, school supplies and more. The cozy overstuffed chair in her bedroom that I painstakingly cleaned off prior to her arrival in May so she could curl up and “read a good book” is now covered, barely recognizable, with unfolded clothes, shopping sacks, a few pair of boots  (does one need that many boots?) and several other items that I assume are  traveling with her.

I can’t help thinking….we didn’t get it all in…the time went by so quickly. Yet, we did accomplish and share much… late night talks, a few shed tears, some deep laughter, baking cookies, at least twenty batches of the infamous hot Vidalia onion dip (you might want this recipe!), some shopping, mass together, a few days at Gram’s lake cabin, neighborhood walks, a few of her brothers’ baseball games (did I say just a FEW?), cuddling new kittens, volunteering for the International Special Olympic Games held in our home town, several library books…

I remember blogging last August about my daughter’s college start and how heart wrenching it was for both me and my husband. (Honestly, prior to her departure, I do believe it was the only time we both sobbed simultaneously?!) I remember writing that I felt all the color in our home and somehow gone, referencing my daughter’s personality and her love of art which physically has always been strewn here and there in process.  I am grateful for the color that was brought back home this summer (Did I mention she was in charge of decorations for recruitment? Hello paint, glitter, and tissue paper flowers with all the bling!)

Thankfully, this exit is less emotional (thus not so exhausting?), and, while I know I will feel melancholy for a few days after we send her on her way, as a more seasoned parent I have experienced an entire year of the ebb and flow of her presence in our family and it feels more comfortable. As she begins her second year, I hope she is rejuvenated, rested, and settles back into college life feeling loved.  I remember being anxious myself at the start of each semester; nervous, uncertain, vulnerable …Make sure and arm your own daughter with love and courage. Perhaps even write her a letter of encouragement to tuck in her suitcase or to arrive via snail mail that first week of school. If you are a first time college parent, take heart: The journey will get easier as everyone settles in…

As Mother’s Day approaches I write this blog in gratitude for my own mother, my only daughter, and for the other mothers, daughters, and sisters in my life who are a part of who I have become over the years.  I wish them a blessed Mother’s Day and thank them for all the joy and loving support they have brought to my life.  A quote I read once by Abraham Lincoln says it best:  I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me.  They have clung to me all my life.

As I reflect on my relationships with all of these special women, the women in my circle with sorority affiliations are certainly on that list –and with great fondness.  Though my mom and I do not share the same sorority membership (She is delighted to be Pi Beta Phi as I am blessed to be a Delta Gamma!), her love of her collegiate experience was shared with me throughout my childhood through the stories she told me and in the special women she introduced me to as her Pi Phi sisters while I was growing up.  I always hoped I would have that same opportunity to forge lifelong friendships.

I so enjoyed the family structure within my own chapter and have several humorous and warm hearted memories of special moments with my own pledge “mom”, Amy, and pledge “daughter”, Anne.  Delta Gamma Mom’s Day was also looked forward to each spring as we paid special tribute to our own dear mothers, shared a wonderful meal of sorts, and then hit the mall for some shopping –financed by mom to no one’s surprise?!

Because my daughter and I do have the same sorority affiliation, we are doubly blessed and our chapter provides many experiences for us to share that enrich our traditional mom-daughter relationship. Of all the things I enjoyed watching Mary Claire experience this year, witnessing her relationships bloom with her new sisters was incredible.

The bond between mothers and daughters is passionately strong. While in graduate school, I remember reading an article shared with me by a good friend (and Delta Gamma sister) about the “Adolescent Daughter/Midlife Mother Dyad” and how complicated it can be –sounds way too academic as I drink coffee this morning trying to rally my mind and body around several cold windy baseball games I am traveling to later this morning but bear with me?! Although I had no children at the time, I somehow knew that I needed to tuck the wisdom from that article somewhere in my heart to utilize on another day (and who knew it could be 20 years later?)

The just of the article discussed the similarities that teenage daughters have with their middle aged moms: those of identity formation (she is trying to discover hers while we are trying to reinvent ours), and the insecurity and frustration that might come from transitions physically as our bodies develop, emotionally as relationships change, and intellectually as we add new experiences in our lives and try to make sense of them.

Certainly Mary Claire and I have both made adjustments and transitions the past few years. She has stretched herself in her development of a wider array of friends, in having her basic values challenged by others around her socially and emotionally, and in finding and maintaining a rhythm of time management and growth in her academic discipline to name a few.  (And me…well the only adjustments that come to mind at this early hour involve hot flashes and middle of the night alertness issues but I will get back to you on the other ones soon!)

Back to the point of the article as I ramble on in this blog– to suggest that instead of “butting heads” or taking out our moods and stress on one another, we should be eachother’s support, lifting up and encouraging one another with enthusiasm, tenderness and a sense of humor so to share our energy and hope for what is to come.  There…whew…heavy stuff to ponder on a sunny, windy, cold Nebraska morning… On this year’s official Mother’s Day weekend, I wish all of you a wonderful time celebrating with those you love most.

I’ve experienced the birth of babies and there is nothing like it: when a child who has been conceived in love is born to a man and woman, the joy of that birth sings throughout the universe.

- Madeleine L’ Engle, author and Mother

Delta Gamma Mom's Day 2010

While my daughter was home during her Spring Break (four kids, parochial school tuition, college expenses=no luxury spring break trip this year?!), we took a day trip into the city to shop and catch up with some welcome “mom-daughter” time. In our conversation to and from Omaha, I asked Mary Claire how she felt about her sorority experience at the University thus far. She was enthusiastic and seemingly feeling connected to her sorority sisters. Her excitement was more elevated than past discussions re: college life and I asked her why. She reflected that it took until this semester midway through to “get there”.

I share this conversation with all of you because some of us who are not Greek ourselves may wonder if this investment in time and financial resources is worth it, and I want to assure you that it is. Not only because of the leadership skills and connections your daughter will acquire through this process, but most importantly, because of those lifelong friendships.  Yet, the first few months of one’s new sorority membership can be stressful, sometimes overwhelming, and even awkward.

For those of you who do have new members in sororities, perhaps even pledging as recently as the first of this year, you may find that your daughter is excited yet feeling a bit shy about her new relationships. This is typical as these women are all trying to get to know one another gradually amidst a busy college load of classes, part time work, and other involvements. The balance of it all is no small trick! Encourage her to hang in there and stay involved.

I asked my daughter what made her finally feel connected and she listed three events that helped:         1. experiencing an all house retreat that had the sole purpose of relational development,

2. Going through the election process and running for a small office while learning how the leadership roles are developed in her chapter, and

3. Participating in the chapter recruitment meetings to prepare for next fall’s recruitment.

All were experiences that helped her know she was “home”.

It was the recent recruitment meetings, though, that especially provided her time for reflection as to what type of women their chapter wanted to attract, giving her an appreciation for the special friendships and shared values that she has already had with her new member class and the upperclassmen. She realized in thinking about who she wanted to share this with in the future that she was in excellent company!  I feel that moving into her chapter house next fall will truly cement this special affiliation.

Reading Jane Heiserman’s blogs on navigating the Out-Of-State Obstacle Course have been entertaining and enlightening!  They also gave me fodder for this next blog for those of us who have daughters attending college nearby. The nature of this circumstance is different so worth commenting on.

The question jumping out so quickly? How do you set boundaries or guidelines for smooth transitions when your daughter comes home for a day or a weekend? This issue caught us off guard in December, when Mary Claire decided to come home for a few days during her final week of classes. My excitement at having her home for a bit, sleeping in her own bed, and watching our favorite weekly television drama together did cloud the fact that she basically upset the apple cart for the rest of the family!

Gone was our morning school routine with her brothers:  Dirty dishes in the sink,  cereal box on the counter, laptop and papers strewn all over the breakfast table as if she were in her dorm room working alone on a project.  These were clues that her arrival for the longer holiday break might be ‘messy’ and caused some tension to be sure. It also made me realize that we needed to make a plan for her holiday break as well as her future overnight visits which we do relish. What do other parents do to make this transition smooth?  I would welcome ideas and suggestions for all of us first time college parents out there.

Mary Claire’s inaugural finals week has come and gone, Christmas and all of its joyful chaos has passed, and we are currently into our third week of the 2^nd University semester. Did we make a plan?  No, we did not, and, fortunately, winging it all worked out for the short term.   I do, however, have some ideas for future visits.

1. Make sure your college student has an out of the way space to layout homework and projects.  Somewhere quiet like a basement game table or her bedroom desk area.  Even a formal dining room table might be out of the way so the rest of the family banter is not a distraction.

2. Discuss with your daughter the family schedule, asking her how she wants to fit into it instead of trying to change it. In other words, letting her know what time is convenient for our family meal and letting her choose to eat with us or not instead of changing our routine to fit her hunger pains. (Navigating through after school piano lessons, baseball practice for one, basketball for another, etc., only leaves us very specific windows to share a meal.  Take it or leave it missy!  :-0 )

3.  Ask your daughter ahead of the moment for specific things she can do to help out, making her visits fun and enjoyable. Even just setting the rule that she clean up after herself and/or assist in folding some laundry when she has brought hers home to mix in would be helpful.

As a family we have discussed some of these ideas, and I already feel some calmness and structure.   Hmmmm…Spring and summer breaks are just around that corner, so additional ideas from readers would be fabulous…

It has been a few weeks since my daughter was initiated into Delta Gamma and it still hasn’t quite set in yet that we are now sisters in such a special group of women.  I hadn’t been to our sorority initiation since the mid-1980s when I was living in the sorority house. Somehow, my advising responsibiliti

New Initiates at Delta Gamma-Kappa Chapter, University of Nebraska-Lincoln

es over the years did not put me in that beautiful ritual until now, when I was able to participate as a mother of a new member.   Although Mary Claire suspected I would attend, I did my best to dissuade her expectation using her little brother’s varsity football game as my alibi.  She was not aware that I was present until that very moment when I stepped forward to place my own badge on her during the ceremony.

Earlier that evening, when I arrived at the chapter house to prepare, I was taken to a room where other alumni gathered.  I was stunned to be reunited with three sorority sisters I lived with in college, all of whom had a daughter or special family friend being initiated along with MC!  Who knew?!  What a wonderful surprise and I certainly did not expect all the recollections of undergraduate sorority life to flood back so quickly. It was a loving reminder that being a member of a sorority is truly enduring;  a thread of friendship and love that exists in a constant way throughout one’s life.

Amidst a few shed tears, hugs, and laughter, the experience made a memory for both mom and daughter and I am so glad I took the time to be present. I highly recommend participating in your daughter’s initiation if you are blessed to have pledged the same sorority. Even the young women who had special family friends attend were pleasantly surprised and grateful, making the ceremony all the richer for everyone.  If you are not members of the same sorority, or perhaps not even a fraternity/sorority initiate, you can still participate by sending a congratulatory letter, gift or phone call and by being a great listener when your daughter, in her excitement, wants to share of her experiences and new found friendships in her sorority life along the way…

Mary Claire with her pledge family on initiation eve.