I realize it is now February and we are one month in to 2012, but this blog is more of a reflection of one’s past year and how it impacts one’s future so the Tennyson quote seems right on. I was sitting in a yoga class toward the conclusion of last year and I had an epiphany of sorts. My instructor was asking us to set our intention for the particular hour together and shared her own insight about the “No’s” in her life; those desires that she had that did not come to fruition and also the boundaries that she personally had to set with certain relationships that were seemingly unhealthy. She shared with us how she had come to discover that when there is a “No” in one’s life, the law of balance ensures that a “Yes” will follow. All we have to do is be open to it. Perhaps this means that setting a boundary (a “No”) in a relationship allows for the relationship to change for the better or become less important, and not getting the job offer after several interviews means that there is a different opportunity that is a better fit for us in relation to where we are in our lives.  It seems simple … out of a “No” comes a “Yes”.

My epiphany came in the form of a discovery as to what my role is as a parent to my four children, in particular my daughter who is embarking on her final semester of her junior year.  As she has matured, gaining momentum in her career and academic pursuits, she has attempted to become involved in various experiences whether they be internships, running for a sorority office, mentoring relationships, honor society memberships, etc. She has been chosen to participate in some of these yet not been selected for others. There is obvious disappointment amidst some feelings of success.

I have learned my role to be one of encourager, inspirer and processor. Encouraging the taking of risks and living wholeheartedly, inspiring my daughter to see her strengths and possibilities, and processing the “Yes’” and, more importantly, the “No’s”.  Aha!  This I can do! This is my epiphany!  Perhaps for our daughters their disappointments might include a relationship ending, a leadership opportunity not to be, being passed over for an internship and so on. As parents we can fill in the blanks with the “No’s” for our own children and also point out the “Yes” that they may not be able to see (a new friendship or free time to explore another interest, selection to an honor society or campus organization where one will meet new faces, a different work experience in a different city … you get the idea.)

I reflect on all my own personal “No’s” and “Yes’” and see their connectedness. I am grateful for this awareness so I can pass this on to my daughter as she is faced with her own. Now that Mary Claire has 5+ semesters and some summer school under her belt, I can look back at a bigger picture and see the semesters that were perhaps more challenging academically or more of a heartache for her emotionally. I can point out to her the peaks when she was “on fire” about school and life and what was going on and when she pulled back a bit in retreat.  All of these experiences are necessary for growth and maturation.  This is our role as a parent of a college age daughter or son:  To encourage, to inspire and to process. Blessings to you in this new year of parenting …

The only thing that isn’t small stuff, is the reason you’re on this earth in the first place: to find that portion of the world’s lost heart that only you can ransom with your love…

-author Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance

There are so many factors, ones she can control and ones she cannot. Factors she can control: How she provides mentoring and role modeling to those younger than her, the amount of time she invests in the chapter and its goals as a current member, how she manages her time, how she relates to a variety of her sisters on a daily basis, and the amount of time she invests in those relationships. Factors she cannot control: Others’ perceptions of her time management, strength of relationships or leadership competencies, and whether or not sisters make judgments on another’s actual abilities to lead in a certain role versus unrelated bias such as just “liking” someone better or being more familiar with someone else.

Encourage her to have an open mind regarding what type of leadership she might provide her chapter. If she only has one specific office or responsibility in mind, she may be shortsighted and unknowingly be eliminating herself from an overall experience in working with an incredible group of women. Remind her, too, that the chapter is made up of many strong leaders, and, if an opportunity to lead her chapter internally is not given to her, there are so many other ways she can represent her sorority and provide leadership through involvement on campus and in the community externally.

The blessing of having the election process take place near Thanksgiving is that there is a break from the process; from the dynamics that can sometimes be emotional or intense. With some rest and unconditional love from her family, she can return back to school renewed and ready to take on whatever responsibilities she has been called to carry out within her chapter, or on campus within her college community.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday…

For any of you who are feeling that emptiness or sadness, I encourage you to revisit my blog post on October 19, 2009, entitled A Parent’s Adjustment:  Coping with the Loss of Your Family as You Knew it. If anything, you can create an awesome playlist to have in your car while running your other children, driving to and from work, etc. (Ideas for the playlist are posted.)

Take heart that we are not alone in these life transitions — just as our daughters are not alone in theirs.  Blessings to all of you during this time…

I loved the glimpse I received in visiting the internship location and store Mary Claire worked out of several days while there and listening to stories that she and her roomie, Becca,  had of their varied work responsibilities. Navigating the Metro and pushing their way through foot traffic seemed 2^nd nature to them only after a few weeks in the city.

In discussing this blog topic with Mary Claire, we came up with the top ten lessons learned and/or pieces of advice for your family when you and your daughter are blessed with this experience:

1.  From Mom:  Listen more than you talk when having phone conversations with your daughter. She is finding her way and some frustration is a good thing. Allowing her to talk it through and discover solutions of her own is crucial to her maturation.

2.  From Mom: Become familiar with SKYPE and Google Earth and involve the family in learning about the location your daughter is visiting. They can learn a lot about this process too for future reference. Also, utilize your daughter in mentoring younger siblings from afar. Mary Claire was often missing her brothers and welcomed encouraging them and listening to their challenges and successes from a distance.

3.  From Mom:  If visiting your daughter, bring an empty suitcase to “lighten” the load upon return for shopping purchases, etc. (May I remind you we had overweight baggage on the way out?!)

4.  From Mom:  Don’t have an agenda and let her show you the city/location from her perspective. There was so much to see that I decided to let Mary Claire suggest what we did and where we went. It was more relaxing for me not to have an agenda and I could save up my energy for late nights and early mornings. We had a wonderful time!

5.  From Daughter:  Make sure and have a GPS application on your phone and know how to use it so you get lost less frequently in a new city!

6.  From Daughter:  When searching for internships, begin early! Use your personal network of family friends, professors, advisors, etc. Beginning your search in the fall prior to the summer time frame is NOT too early.

7.  From Daughter:  Select internship programs that are structured and have an outline of responsibilities and purpose. Because Mary Claire’s opportunity to stay in the city came after the first of the year, she relied on personal contacts to network and find possibilities. This worked out well for her given the short notice but she did not work in businesses that had formal internship programs. On the other hand, a sorority sister also in NYC had an experience with a company that had a formal program and there seemed to be more structure and purpose to it.

8.  From Daughter:  Research the location re: housing, additional part time work (most internships are not paid), etc. Again, use your Greek network. Obtain the contact information for a family friend or two or sorority alumnae nearby in case you need the support or advice locally.

9.  From Daughter:  Research possible internship scholarship opportunities through your college and sorority. For example, a mentoring organization through the University of Nebraska offers scholarship money for students who have secured unpaid internships. The application deadline is in the early part of 2^nd semester so an internship should be pinned down by the end of 1^st semester

10. From Mom & Daughter:   Follow up all internship experiences (whether they were satisfying or not) with handwritten thank you notes to internship supervisors, folks who helped fund your internship, your network that helped you obtain the internship, and the friend who housed you or  bought you a meal…anyone who assisted you along the way!

Traveling to other parts of our country or abroad encourages your daughter to see the world from a wider lens and become involved in projects that are larger than her own local world. This is an important part of her undergraduate educational experience that opens up her mind and fosters acceptance and tolerance in her daily life. It’s a good thing.

Forced to be alert at wee hours of the morning, having overweight luggage that cut into her shopping budget (I told her not to pack all those shoes?), and traveling alone enhanced my daughter’s anxiety but she finally arrived in NYC and met her soon to be roommate (and dear childhood friend) and her roomie’s mom and sister who had arrived from a different airline. Again, another incredible mother assists in lightening my own maternal worries by escorting the girls into the city and helping them settle a bit. Thanks, dear Peggy!

Once familiar with her environment, learning where the nearest grocer, drugstore, and ATM were located, Mary Claire began two internship experiences that have allowed her a ‘taste’ of East Coast culture with a glimpse into an industry in which she may want to work someday. In listening to her share stories when in touch, I know there have been exciting and fun moments as well as pieces of reality that have allowed her to mature. One comment in a text on her first day at one location was that “People aren’t very nice. I ate lunch by myself.” Another text after she had to spend her money at the local drugstore for medication for a flu bug she caught stated, “Mom, I hate being a grown up.”  My heart goes out to her reminiscing on my own “growing up” experiences, and I know she will be kinder, wiser, and the better for all of it.

When all of you sorority parents have a daughter interning in some far off place, there are a few technical wonders that can keep you connected: The SKYPE experience was fun in having Mary Claire use her laptop to scan her apartment so we could have a visual of where she was living. Just to see her animated, excited face made us feel satisfied that this would be a good thing. Google Earth is another amazing tool. Mary Claire’s brother, Sam, and I had a blast typing in her apartment address and actually viewing the buildings and stores and street corners surrounding her for the summer. And finally, encourage your daughter to blog. Mary Claire’s blog, http://mcrnyc.blogspot.com/, while not often updated, has given me an idea of her experiences as if we perhaps were visiting at the kitchen table after a day of work and adventure.

But wait, this blog was about that invaluable human connection in our Greek affiliations and the blessings it brings to our daughters!  Thus, I cannot forget to mention my dear sorority sister from long ago who keeps checking up on Mary Claire and is planning on coming into the city next week to visit her. Or, Mary Claire’s own good friend and DG sister, Megan, who arrived in NYC a few weeks prior and has connected with her as a familiar face in a far off place!

Most especially, I want to share the most loving gesture by another sorority sister and “Mom and Grandmother” to my MC and me. This special lady has mentored and loved my family for years and we have a connection through DG because I had the privilege of knowing and being a pledge mom and friend to her own daughter. Traveling often in her work allows her to collect many frequent flyer miles and as soon as she heard of Mary Claire’s opportunity she gifted a round trip plane ticket to her to help defray the expense of this experience. Wow! Our family was so grateful. On Easter Sunday, as if her gift to Mary Claire wasn’t enough, she called to tell me she wanted to do the same for me so I could have a NYC visit with my daughter reminiscent of the wonderful trips she and her own daughter took to NYC years ago. “It has to be purely fun!” she advised me.

I am humbled by the love and good wishes that have surrounded this internship experience for my daughter. I am excited to complete my blogging series on this topic upon return next week from New York City. I hope I personally have many opportunities to assist others in creating this experience for themselves in the future. Remembering the Alfred Lord Tennyson quote, I am a part of all I have met, reminds me that our friendships through Greek life are lifelong and multigenerational. Be grateful that your daughters have this connection.

In trying to come up with something clever, witty and insightful for this particular blog, so many thoughts swirled through my mind and I struggled with a topic (Did I mention the distraction made by the 25 baskets, sacks, and boxes?!)  However, while reading a hilarious email this morning from my own pledge sister from long ago whom I have recently connected with, the topic surfaced immediately. It has to be one of connection and just how incredibly durable Greek relationships are in our lives. This is a story for all parents of sorority daughters and for all of you who have Greek affiliations yourselves. This is about the power of the Greek network.

Many of you have daughters who have been searching for their summer employment, trying to decide if summer school fits into their lives along with a possible internship experience or two. Hopefully by now all of our daughters have some type of paid experience out there waiting for them right? (I mean-are you not feeling the same college financial stress I am?) And, how many of you are perhaps even trying to reinvent yourselves in this stage of life you have currently found yourself? As my children grow up and are launched out of my home, my goals for myself have also been surfacing (Woops-getting distracted again. This is really about my sorority daughter isn’t it?!)

To the point:  In early March Mary Claire was offered a once in a life time opportunity to live in New York City this summer with a close childhood friend who has an Uncle that offered them free use of his condominium. The agreement made between college coeds and parents was that internships had to be confirmed before airline reservations were made. So then ensued the frenzy in exploring as many possibilities and contacts as possible to find internship leads. College professors and advisors were called in, former employers emailed, phone calls to neighbors in various careers were made…and, of course, there is that parent network which for me, included many of my Greek affiliated friends.

I told each of the girls to forward me a resume and a brief paragraph describing what their career interests were in creating their NYC experience. I did one thing and something incredible happened: I sent a Facebook message with resumes and statements attached to several friends living out east as well as to friends in the various career fields of fashion journalism and nonprofit/social work. In a matter of 24 hours, five sorority sisters of mine (living all over this country) messaged me back with search ideas, contacts and web site addresses. Another close friend living nearby (who happens to also be Greek) emailed her brother in law who promptly forwarded my daughter’s email to his contacts. My children’s very first babysitter (Yes, she is Greek and traveled as a consultant for her sorority), now married with a family of her own, was ecstatic to be able to help these young women and also responded with leads.  Several other friends had contacts and suggestions and were so happy to assist.

It was great fun to watch the process; to hear my daughter and her friend’s excitement as they were asked to participate in phone interviews, received interested emails, and, finally, pinned down some wonderful internship opportunities for part of their upcoming summer. I was so grateful that all these adults had such a desire to assist them in “finding their way”.  They took pleasure in it! In addition, I felt blessed to be in touch again with some of my sorority sisters whom I haven’t connected with in a very long time. Proof of the already known truth that sorority affiliations forge lifelong friendships, and those friendships reach out to younger generations.  It is with much joy that I watch Becca and Mary Claire discovering this on their own.

So, don’t underestimate the power of your own Greek network and do share it with your daughters along the way. Stay tuned for my next blog: Your daughter is living in New York City?!  Can one depend on a sorority sister or two to ‘mother’ her when in need?

Happy, blessed Mother’s Day to all of you this weekend. I leave you with this reflection:

Nothing else will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own.

–Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parson, The Mothers Almanac

Delta Gamma Valentine Crush Party

I recently read a book written by Bruce Feiler entitled The Council of Dads: My Daughters, My Illness, and the Men Who Could Be Me. Bruce is a father of two young daughters and was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Upon contemplating his death and all that he might miss in guiding, loving, and nurturing his girls, he called upon some close friends and created a Council, asking each of them to help parent his girls when he was gone.  It is a great read and I highly recommend it. Upon reflecting on the book, though, I came to believe that all of our children at points in their lives could benefit from a Council of moms or dads who may be in the perfect place to love, support and nurture.  After all, it takes a village, and a parent doesn’t have to be deceased or terminally ill to look to other friends and family members for additional perspective and mentoring for their children.

So, on a walk one afternoon with my college daughter, I asked her: Who would make up your Council of moms?  She thought about this and created a list of a dozen women; some were older than me (a close family friend, a great aunt, Gram C, a high school counselor) and some were former babysitters who were more like big sisters. Some of the women she knew her whole life, a couple are old and dear friends of mine, and two were college professors. One was the Delta Gamma house mom and another was a close friend in another sorority whom she met in the residence halls her freshmen year.  I was so pleased that Mary Claire felt she had this group of incredible women as a resource to her-especially in time of struggle or despair.

Recently, my daughter has been dealing with a chronic health issue that we are attempting to diagnose. She was at a low point, and I  realized that this was one of the first ‘adult’ experiences that she was going to have to work through and own, learning how to manage pain, make healthy choices etc.  It is difficult as a parent not to ‘wear’ your child’s heartache or struggle. For me it takes a lot of prayer and trying to live one day at a time. And, it takes reaching out to others for support. I did this with Mary Claire’s Council of moms; I called them in. I contacted most every one of them to let them know that they were selected to be in this special group. I shared Mary Claire’s struggle with them and asked them to take time to share advice, love, and support; to perhaps lift her up. This has made all the difference to her and her outlook.

Mary Claire with her Sisters

Your daughter may experience many challenges while at school.  A heart break,
some anxiety or depression with all the new stresses and responsibilities, a new health issue that arises which could be short lived like Mono or a chronic condition like arthritis, or something else altogether. Perhaps it is a spiritual crisis or just confusion in not knowing which academic path to follow? Whatever the situation as her parent you may find yourself wishing you were closer, wanting to reach out but possibly being distant in location or with other work and family responsibilities. I encourage you to explore this Council of Moms and Council of Dads concept with your daughter. When I told the women they had been chosen, some were tearful and all felt blessed and honored. It made me realize that there is an abundance of love out there for my daughter. It is just a matter of accessing it.  I imagine you will find the same.

I remember feeling out of sorts as a college student myself and I am reminded while  watching my daughter as to how easy  it is to become out of balance personally with so many areas of our life pulling at us. I know she is sleep deprived and perhaps not eating as healthfully as one should. Nor is she tapping into all her resources of support to combat the pressure and stress of working part time, keeping up in school, and participating in her other activities and interests. I think physical exercise and utilizing her faith support system work their way into her schedule intermittently at best. Life is simply out of balance…

…so I was thinking about what gift(s) I could give my daughter as she closes out the semester and comes home for Christmas, remembering how I always used this time myself to reconnect with what was most important, to take care of my health and get back in sync. Certainly her intellectual self has been stimulated and challenged but what about her emotional, physical and spiritual aspects?   Here are some suggestions that we can consider as ways to nurture our daughters as they return home for holiday break.

Down Time & Rest: Even though your stress level may be high as a parent “making” whatever holiday you celebrate special for your family, allow her some down time once home instead of expecting her to jump into the chaos of your daily round the first day or two. Sleeping, napping, and watching an old movie or two can re-energize her.

Exercise Outings: Once home and rested, do invite her to go on walks with you or accompany you to your local health club for a workout. Some fitness clubs or the YMCA may have special student rates for short durations over break. A holiday pass would be an excellent gift.

Joyful Pleasures: Make sure and include her when she is home in any family traditions such as lighting Advent wreath candles, singing in the church choir, etc. Save some of your family activities such as baking holiday cookies, gift wrapping, and watching old holiday movie favorites for her arrival home.  Our family hosts a caroling/progressive dinner party with another neighboring family and we have selected a date for after Mary Claire arrives home. Perhaps even emailing (or face booking) her a meditation for the season will comfort her and encourage her while still at school to take pause and calm herself amidst the stress.

Giving Back: If you participate in a family activity of giving back to the community in some way during your holiday season try and schedule this event for after your college daughter is home as well. This allows her to realize that the world is so much larger than her final exams and the daily stress of college life. Some examples include serving at a soup kitchen, adopting a family in need and buying gifts, visiting a shut in, or ringing bells for The Salvation Army.

Our family will be celebrating Christmas this time of year. I hope that you and yours find quiet peaceful moments to savor one another’s presence amidst all the crazed activity that can come about during the month of December. Enjoy all the beauty and joy surrounding you this holiday. Blessings and Happy New Year!

Hope smiles on the threshold of the year to come, whispering that it will be happier.

–Alfred Lord Tennyson

For parents, it can be frustrating when our college students don’t know “for sure” what they want to do for the rest of their lives given that we may be paying some of these expenses along their academic path. At the very least, if our student is funding her education through scholarships and loans, we are still anxious for her not to waste any resources. A college education is a precious and immense investment in time and money for both the student and parent.

There is an irony in this impatience on the part of the student and parent in not wanting to waste resources and in wanting to find the major that best suits her skills and interests as soon as possible. The irony involves the fact that the traditional college experience is the very time that adolescents are just beginning to develop their sense of identity, learning to integrate themselves into the world outside of their core family. This can mean that many of our daughters are still not quite sure of their interests and gifts and need some time (and some coursework) to explore.  Come to think of it, now that I am 40-something and having to reinvent myself as my children grow up, I may be in a bit of an identity crisis too?!

Living in a sorority and having several sisters to glean advice from and be mentored by is a huge positive in our daughters’ lives. If your daughter has not done so already, encourage her to seek out upper class women in her sorority to learn about various majors, specific faculty and courses, possible internships, and other opportunities that they may already have taken advantage of in their own college start to assist them in academic and career decisions. Many sororities will have career and scholarship events built into their programming. Seeking out professionals in various fields of interest for informational interviews is another helpful thing to do.

If you happen to have a daughter who knew since the age of 10 she was going to be an English professor or a pediatrician or an engineer-You are blessed!  (And you have much less anxiety than the rest of us!) Yet, there are still various pieces of that specific career path to be explored and those sorority sisters (aka peer mentors) can be a huge source of peace to a worried parent. Good luck on the explorations and enjoy the journey…

The role of the family is to facilitate its own self destruction.

That quote never left me though years have passed and I now have four children that I am attempting to raise to eventually be ‘on their own’ ; finding their way so to speak. In today’s culture, I believe it can be difficult for parents to let go of their children’s lives. Sometimes we hover too much and sometimes our children expect us to rescue them.  Now that my own sorority daughter was a sophomore, had I gotten wiser in my parenting? Fortunately, I did come up with a few suggestions parents could reflect upon in supporting their daughter through recruitment and beyond yet allowing them to spread their own wings. I will share them with you too. Take them or leave them but do enjoy this new phase in life for the both of you.

1. Lose expectations or feelings from your own Greek life experience. Whether you have a Greek affiliation or not, you do have some opinion about Greek life if you went to college on a campus with a Greek system. Some of these opinions or biases may be based on a college experience quite a few years back. Try and encourage your daughter to form her own opinions AND only after she begins the process,  not taking to heart any bias from boyfriends, siblings, hometown friends, distant relatives, etc.

2. At each of the recruitment events, encourage her to look around those rooms and really get to know the other potential new members at each of the events. Those are the young women she will be living with and experiencing campus life with and each day of recruitment will help her know where she is most comfortable.

3. For daughters who may be shy or reserved, the recruitment process might be overwhelming. Encourage her to be open minded, taking a risk as she embarks on college. It is a great time to branch out and perhaps lose some of the high school labels we all put upon ourselves. One can really be and should be authentic and sincere throughout the whole process. Even if your daughter decides recruitment might not be a fit for her at this time, remind her that this experience will afford her a great opportunity to get to know other women on her residence hall floor and beyond. New friendships may come from it.

4. She will be exhausted and emotional. Allow her this indulgence and help her maintain her sense of humor. Remind her other potential new members are experiencing the same things.

5. Be a good listener. You don’t have to fix anything. If she can share the ups and downs of her experience she can sort through her feelings about all of it and often doesn’t need or want advice.

6. As she begins college try and become connected to your daughter through technology. NOTHING replaces voice to voice communication, eye contact or hugs…but this generation communicates on Facebook and in text messaging and there is no going back. Learn to text and possibly get a Facebook page (especially if your daughter is encouraging it) just to be connected….not to hover but just to be available. The technology allows a kind of subtle way to be present.

7. Encourage and frequently discuss safe choices especially regarding alcohol and driving under the influence or with others who have been drinking. The more we encourage them to be safe and smart, the more likely the messages will stick when presented with more risky choices. If you are informed about binge drinking and alcohol poisoning then you can help inform her. Awareness is the first essential step.

And finally,

8. Love her up and remind her of the gifts you see in her! As a parent I was not prepared for how difficult the transition was for my own daughter on many levels. One loses a bit of confidence beginning all over again out of high school-especially if the new campus is large. That is why it is EXCELLENT that our daughters want to join a sorority to engage in that support system and in those relationships as they begin college life.