Having my daughter with us all summer was a blessing but now it is time for her to transition back into her college life. Boxes showed up on her attic staircase a few days ago with clothes, toiletries, school supplies and more. The cozy overstuffed chair in her bedroom that I painstakingly cleaned off prior to her arrival in May so she could curl up and “read a good book” is now covered, barely recognizable, with unfolded clothes, shopping sacks, a few pair of boots  (does one need that many boots?) and several other items that I assume are  traveling with her.

I can’t help thinking….we didn’t get it all in…the time went by so quickly. Yet, we did accomplish and share much… late night talks, a few shed tears, some deep laughter, baking cookies, at least twenty batches of the infamous hot Vidalia onion dip (you might want this recipe!), some shopping, mass together, a few days at Gram’s lake cabin, neighborhood walks, a few of her brothers’ baseball games (did I say just a FEW?), cuddling new kittens, volunteering for the International Special Olympic Games held in our home town, several library books…

I remember blogging last August about my daughter’s college start and how heart wrenching it was for both me and my husband. (Honestly, prior to her departure, I do believe it was the only time we both sobbed simultaneously?!) I remember writing that I felt all the color in our home and somehow gone, referencing my daughter’s personality and her love of art which physically has always been strewn here and there in process.  I am grateful for the color that was brought back home this summer (Did I mention she was in charge of decorations for recruitment? Hello paint, glitter, and tissue paper flowers with all the bling!)

Thankfully, this exit is less emotional (thus not so exhausting?), and, while I know I will feel melancholy for a few days after we send her on her way, as a more seasoned parent I have experienced an entire year of the ebb and flow of her presence in our family and it feels more comfortable. As she begins her second year, I hope she is rejuvenated, rested, and settles back into college life feeling loved.  I remember being anxious myself at the start of each semester; nervous, uncertain, vulnerable …Make sure and arm your own daughter with love and courage. Perhaps even write her a letter of encouragement to tuck in her suitcase or to arrive via snail mail that first week of school. If you are a first time college parent, take heart: The journey will get easier as everyone settles in…

A huge blessing in her affiliation with her sorority has been the service culture in which they have immersed her.  As a Millennial, she has grown up in a school system that has a focus on community service so she is open and looking for opportunities to work as a team toward a common goal to make a difference.  Through her sorority, she had many opportunities to have an impact on others.

The volunteer experiences she had have run the gamut:  Sundaes on Sunday, helping young women do their hair, nails, and make up for the School for the Blind prom, reading for the blind, nursing home visits, various walks for hearts, for cures, for life…the infamous Dance Marathon.  There were numerous other events including her support of her other sorority and fraternity friends’ chapter philanthropies across campus.

Delta Gamma's Spring Ice Cream Social Fund Raiser

Certainly all of these experiences have prepared her for a lifetime of giving back in whatever community she settles in upon graduation.  I am so grateful that her Greek experience has fostered this in such a fun and rewarding way, and it is yet another important aspect of sorority life that we need to appreciate for our Greek affiliated daughters.

As I reflect on my relationships with all of these special women, the women in my circle with sorority affiliations are certainly on that list –and with great fondness.  Though my mom and I do not share the same sorority membership (She is delighted to be Pi Beta Phi as I am blessed to be a Delta Gamma!), her love of her collegiate experience was shared with me throughout my childhood through the stories she told me and in the special women she introduced me to as her Pi Phi sisters while I was growing up.  I always hoped I would have that same opportunity to forge lifelong friendships.

I so enjoyed the family structure within my own chapter and have several humorous and warm hearted memories of special moments with my own pledge “mom”, Amy, and pledge “daughter”, Anne.  Delta Gamma Mom’s Day was also looked forward to each spring as we paid special tribute to our own dear mothers, shared a wonderful meal of sorts, and then hit the mall for some shopping –financed by mom to no one’s surprise?!

Because my daughter and I do have the same sorority affiliation, we are doubly blessed and our chapter provides many experiences for us to share that enrich our traditional mom-daughter relationship. Of all the things I enjoyed watching Mary Claire experience this year, witnessing her relationships bloom with her new sisters was incredible.

The bond between mothers and daughters is passionately strong. While in graduate school, I remember reading an article shared with me by a good friend (and Delta Gamma sister) about the “Adolescent Daughter/Midlife Mother Dyad” and how complicated it can be –sounds way too academic as I drink coffee this morning trying to rally my mind and body around several cold windy baseball games I am traveling to later this morning but bear with me?! Although I had no children at the time, I somehow knew that I needed to tuck the wisdom from that article somewhere in my heart to utilize on another day (and who knew it could be 20 years later?)

The just of the article discussed the similarities that teenage daughters have with their middle aged moms: those of identity formation (she is trying to discover hers while we are trying to reinvent ours), and the insecurity and frustration that might come from transitions physically as our bodies develop, emotionally as relationships change, and intellectually as we add new experiences in our lives and try to make sense of them.

Certainly Mary Claire and I have both made adjustments and transitions the past few years. She has stretched herself in her development of a wider array of friends, in having her basic values challenged by others around her socially and emotionally, and in finding and maintaining a rhythm of time management and growth in her academic discipline to name a few.  (And me…well the only adjustments that come to mind at this early hour involve hot flashes and middle of the night alertness issues but I will get back to you on the other ones soon!)

Back to the point of the article as I ramble on in this blog– to suggest that instead of “butting heads” or taking out our moods and stress on one another, we should be eachother’s support, lifting up and encouraging one another with enthusiasm, tenderness and a sense of humor so to share our energy and hope for what is to come.  There…whew…heavy stuff to ponder on a sunny, windy, cold Nebraska morning… On this year’s official Mother’s Day weekend, I wish all of you a wonderful time celebrating with those you love most.

I’ve experienced the birth of babies and there is nothing like it: when a child who has been conceived in love is born to a man and woman, the joy of that birth sings throughout the universe.

- Madeleine L’ Engle, author and Mother

Delta Gamma Mom's Day 2010

Drug and Alcohol counselors will all say that a tough love approach is the best course for friends who are consistently practicing risky behaviors. There is a saying: Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, but three times is a pattern. Doing a favor once for a friend is kind but repeatedly rescuing that friend will only enable the poor choices he/she is making.  Every campus and some Greek Fraternities and Sororities have designated driver programs or taxi services that can be utilized to get a safe ride home late in the evening. Here are some things a parent can do to encourage one’s daughter to make safe choices:

1. Encourage your daughter to create a list of these local services with their contact information. Include the community taxi cab service as well. She can put these phone numbers in her own cell phone and share this list with a friend who may be calling her for rides late at night.

2. Teach your daughter about safe boundaries so she can take care of herself while still feeling like she is being a supportive friend. Discuss the concepts of ‘enabling others’ and ‘boundary setting’, emphasizing that these are key life and relational skills. Suggesting her phone be set to silence or vibrate while she sleeps at night might give her some consistent blocks of healthy sleep.

3. If your daughter is moving home for the summer break and anytime she is sleeping under your roof, make sure and pre teach the family rules and constructively set your own personal boundaries of curfews and other rules that need to be followed to maintain a healthy family culture.

Realizing that we do not control the choices of others, we can still lovingly communicate expectations and hopes for these precious people in our lives…

I share this conversation with all of you because some of us who are not Greek ourselves may wonder if this investment in time and financial resources is worth it, and I want to assure you that it is. Not only because of the leadership skills and connections your daughter will acquire through this process, but most importantly, because of those lifelong friendships.  Yet, the first few months of one’s new sorority membership can be stressful, sometimes overwhelming, and even awkward.

For those of you who do have new members in sororities, perhaps even pledging as recently as the first of this year, you may find that your daughter is excited yet feeling a bit shy about her new relationships. This is typical as these women are all trying to get to know one another gradually amidst a busy college load of classes, part time work, and other involvements. The balance of it all is no small trick! Encourage her to hang in there and stay involved.

I asked my daughter what made her finally feel connected and she listed three events that helped:         1. experiencing an all house retreat that had the sole purpose of relational development,

2. Going through the election process and running for a small office while learning how the leadership roles are developed in her chapter, and

3. Participating in the chapter recruitment meetings to prepare for next fall’s recruitment.

All were experiences that helped her know she was “home”.

It was the recent recruitment meetings, though, that especially provided her time for reflection as to what type of women their chapter wanted to attract, giving her an appreciation for the special friendships and shared values that she has already had with her new member class and the upperclassmen. She realized in thinking about who she wanted to share this with in the future that she was in excellent company!  I feel that moving into her chapter house next fall will truly cement this special affiliation.

MB’s Frosted Sugar Cookies

Dough:

1 ½ cups sugar

1 cup butter

3 cups flour

1 t. soda

½ t. salt

1 t. vanilla

½ t. lemon extract

3 medium eggs

Frosting:

8 T. butter

3 cups powdered sugar

milk

2 t. vanilla

Mix up dough and chill.  Roll and cut out with different size heart cookie cutters.  Bake at 350° 8-10 minutes on greased cookie sheet.  Cream frosting ingredients together and frost cookies when cooled.  Decorate as desired.

Valentine Cookies

Dough:

¾ cup softened butter

½ cup sugar

2 ½ cups sifted flour

½ t. almond extract

Frosting:

powdered sugar

milk

½ t. almond extract

Mix up dough and shape into a ball. Wrap in waxed paper and chill for 20 minutes. Roll out ½ of dough to ¼ inch thickness on floured surface. Cut out and bake 18-20 minutes at 325° on a greased cookie sheet.

The question jumping out so quickly? How do you set boundaries or guidelines for smooth transitions when your daughter comes home for a day or a weekend? This issue caught us off guard in December, when Mary Claire decided to come home for a few days during her final week of classes. My excitement at having her home for a bit, sleeping in her own bed, and watching our favorite weekly television drama together did cloud the fact that she basically upset the apple cart for the rest of the family!

Gone was our morning school routine with her brothers:  Dirty dishes in the sink,  cereal box on the counter, laptop and papers strewn all over the breakfast table as if she were in her dorm room working alone on a project.  These were clues that her arrival for the longer holiday break might be ‘messy’ and caused some tension to be sure. It also made me realize that we needed to make a plan for her holiday break as well as her future overnight visits which we do relish. What do other parents do to make this transition smooth?  I would welcome ideas and suggestions for all of us first time college parents out there.

Mary Claire’s inaugural finals week has come and gone, Christmas and all of its joyful chaos has passed, and we are currently into our third week of the 2^nd University semester. Did we make a plan?  No, we did not, and, fortunately, winging it all worked out for the short term.   I do, however, have some ideas for future visits.

1. Make sure your college student has an out of the way space to layout homework and projects.  Somewhere quiet like a basement game table or her bedroom desk area.  Even a formal dining room table might be out of the way so the rest of the family banter is not a distraction.

2. Discuss with your daughter the family schedule, asking her how she wants to fit into it instead of trying to change it. In other words, letting her know what time is convenient for our family meal and letting her choose to eat with us or not instead of changing our routine to fit her hunger pains. (Navigating through after school piano lessons, baseball practice for one, basketball for another, etc., only leaves us very specific windows to share a meal.  Take it or leave it missy!  :-0 )

3.  Ask your daughter ahead of the moment for specific things she can do to help out, making her visits fun and enjoyable. Even just setting the rule that she clean up after herself and/or assist in folding some laundry when she has brought hers home to mix in would be helpful.

As a family we have discussed some of these ideas, and I already feel some calmness and structure.   Hmmmm…Spring and summer breaks are just around that corner, so additional ideas from readers would be fabulous…

Finding an upperclassman or a peer mentor/advisor in one’s college of interest or in one’s sorority can bring a wealth of knowledge and confidence to the new college freshman. In the last few weeks, when Mary Claire has been trying to decide what classes to register for next semester, whether she should seek out part time employment, or even if she should consider running for a sorority office, her older DG sisters have been a huge help.  When she has come to me asking my advice, I have encouraged her to call or text the women she knows and respects living at Delta Gamma.  She also has some special friendships with upperclassmen in other sororities whom she can consult.  This has proven invaluable to her re: the recent decisions she has had to make.

There will always be a handful of older sorority sisters who are involved on campus, leaders in their chapter, and savvy in campus employment and involvement opportunities. They are usually the sorority sisters who enthusiastically love sharing this information with their new members so our daughters should take advantage of this resource.  Peer mentoring is a valuable tool that can assist our daughters in several areas: academics, leadership development, employment, relational and social issues, spiritual development…the list goes on and on.

As the holidays approach we are looking forward to having our college student back home amidst the family chaos. I want to wish all of you a safe and blessed time with your family this month and into the New Year.

You shall have a song as in the night

when a Holy Feast is kept;

and gladness of heart.  -Isaiah 30:29

New Initiates at Delta Gamma-Kappa Chapter, University of Nebraska-Lincoln

es over the years did not put me in that beautiful ritual until now, when I was able to participate as a mother of a new member.   Although Mary Claire suspected I would attend, I did my best to dissuade her expectation using her little brother’s varsity football game as my alibi.  She was not aware that I was present until that very moment when I stepped forward to place my own badge on her during the ceremony.

Earlier that evening, when I arrived at the chapter house to prepare, I was taken to a room where other alumni gathered.  I was stunned to be reunited with three sorority sisters I lived with in college, all of whom had a daughter or special family friend being initiated along with MC!  Who knew?!  What a wonderful surprise and I certainly did not expect all the recollections of undergraduate sorority life to flood back so quickly. It was a loving reminder that being a member of a sorority is truly enduring;  a thread of friendship and love that exists in a constant way throughout one’s life.

Amidst a few shed tears, hugs, and laughter, the experience made a memory for both mom and daughter and I am so glad I took the time to be present. I highly recommend participating in your daughter’s initiation if you are blessed to have pledged the same sorority. Even the young women who had special family friends attend were pleasantly surprised and grateful, making the ceremony all the richer for everyone.  If you are not members of the same sorority, or perhaps not even a fraternity/sorority initiate, you can still participate by sending a congratulatory letter, gift or phone call and by being a great listener when your daughter, in her excitement, wants to share of her experiences and new found friendships in her sorority life along the way…

Mary Claire with her pledge family on initiation eve.

Okay…so my last blog focused on my daughter and the challenging path she was on trying to make her way…then I got a bit egocentric after sitting at the dinner table with all men listening to their  “not to be repeated” banter who owned who on the football field…yadayadayada… and I started feeling sorry for myself in all my femaleness!  And then I thought about the rest of you out there (moms and dads alike)  … those of us sentimental (while a bit melancholy) parents who are still trying to adjust to the fact that this unique personality has been torn out of our home!  Because we share the same town, I am blessed to have my daughter pop in for a laundry run, a piece of birthday cake (Her three brothers all had September birthdays!?) or a piece of clothing she discovered she needed for a theme party. This doesn’t take away the reality, however, that in our daily round full of football and soccer games, homework, piano lessons, work schedules, school volunteering, cooking and home management…Mary Claire’s place in all of this is quietly slipping away. I know intellectually that this is part of our family process-to facilitate the loosening and gradual unraveling of our core family. I know the goal is for our children to create their own families interdependently from this one. But what to do about a parent’s broken heart? For my comfort and solace I have created a playlist of songs as a bit of music therapy if you will. Enjoy and try and remember the famous quote by Dr. Seuss:  “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Parent Play List- October 2009

Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mama Mia Soundtrack/Meryl Streep

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it be by The Beatles

Sister by Dave Matthews Band

Home by Michael Buble’

Calendar Girl by The Stars

Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) by Billy Joel

A Mother’s Prayer by Celine Dion

Now Comes the Night by Rob Thomas

Daughters (Live) by John Mayer

Child of Mine by Carole King

Home by Jenny Bruce

Angel’s Lullaby by Richard Marx

Common Threads by Bobby McFerrin

Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) by Chris Rice

Night Prayer by Jim Brickman

Here I Am by Tracy Silverman

A Cradle in Bethlehem by Nat King Cole

Find Yourself by Brad Paisley/Cars Soundtrack

The Best Day by Taylor Swift