Okay…so my last blog focused on my daughter and the challenging path she was on trying to make her way…then I got a bit egocentric after sitting at the dinner table with all men listening to their  “not to be repeated” banter who owned who on the football field…yadayadayada… and I started feeling sorry for myself in all my femaleness!  And then I thought about the rest of you out there (moms and dads alike)  … those of us sentimental (while a bit melancholy) parents who are still trying to adjust to the fact that this unique personality has been torn out of our home!  Because we share the same town, I am blessed to have my daughter pop in for a laundry run, a piece of birthday cake (Her three brothers all had September birthdays!?) or a piece of clothing she discovered she needed for a theme party. This doesn’t take away the reality, however, that in our daily round full of football and soccer games, homework, piano lessons, work schedules, school volunteering, cooking and home management…Mary Claire’s place in all of this is quietly slipping away. I know intellectually that this is part of our family process-to facilitate the loosening and gradual unraveling of our core family. I know the goal is for our children to create their own families interdependently from this one. But what to do about a parent’s broken heart? For my comfort and solace I have created a playlist of songs as a bit of music therapy if you will. Enjoy and try and remember the famous quote by Dr. Seuss:  “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Parent Play List- October 2009

Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mama Mia Soundtrack/Meryl Streep

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it be by The Beatles

Sister by Dave Matthews Band

Home by Michael Buble’

Calendar Girl by The Stars

Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) by Billy Joel

A Mother’s Prayer by Celine Dion

Now Comes the Night by Rob Thomas

Daughters (Live) by John Mayer

Child of Mine by Carole King

Home by Jenny Bruce

Angel’s Lullaby by Richard Marx

Common Threads by Bobby McFerrin

Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) by Chris Rice

Night Prayer by Jim Brickman

Here I Am by Tracy Silverman

A Cradle in Bethlehem by Nat King Cole

Find Yourself by Brad Paisley/Cars Soundtrack

The Best Day by Taylor Swift

Sorority life in the fall is full of theme parties and football games…homecoming displays and parades…philanthropies and big/little sister revelations…inspiration week…So many incredible opportunities for my daughter to forge friendships and relieve a bit of academic stress. Yet, I had forgotten just how overwhelming and lonely that first semester of college can be for a new freshman.  Even when pledging a sorority along with several other young women, it is a challenge to create those initial bonds amidst work, class schedules and studying.

In these first few weeks of her first college semester, I have spent a good deal of time listening to Mary Claire share her heartache and frustration in trying to find her own rhythm, in her stories about the choices others make and her wonderment in how she fits in with those, in her search to seek out friends who share her common values.   I wonder if other parents reading this blog have experienced the same highs and lows I have with Mary Claire, who, from my perspective, is doing an excellent job in balancing sleep, academic projects and exams, smart social choices, etc. Yet, from her perspective she often feels overwhelmed, tired and lonely in not feeling like she’s ‘on top of her game’ like she felt in high school.

Why the difference in perspectives? She feeling like a nobody and me seeing her as so vibrant with much success ahead of her?  Experience and maturity will allow her at some point to be okay with not feeling comfortable in her new “home” just yet.  In the mean time, what can we do to support and encourage our new college student?  I would welcome ideas as the semester rolls on.  Personally,  I have been briefly checking in with Mary Claire on a daily basis and when listening to her share her day with me, I find at least one success to highlight for her. Because we share the same college town, her Dad or I have taken her to lunch a few times as well.   Even buying her a few food items when I do my own family shopping can be a thoughtful gesture. If you don’t live in the same town, mailing a ‘care package’ in the next few weeks with family favorites would be HUGE in lifting an overwhelmed freshman’s spirits!  I know just listening to her articulate her feelings over the phone has relieved some of her stress.

Encourage your daughter to eat a meal or two at the sorority house each week in addition to her Monday night formal dinner. Often the sorority will offer free or reduced meal rates for new members to entice them to come over more often since they do not live in just yet.  It can be difficult at first to make those connections with their new sisters so every interaction in healthy environments helps.  The night Mary Claire learned who her big sister was and the evening of the All House Retreat were two of her favorite experiences she shared with me where she began to feel closer to her new college family.

Big Sister-Little Sister Reveal

Additionally, It is so important for them to know when they need to ask for help; Making that advisor appointment in planning for next semester, knocking on a Residence Hall Assistant’s door if they have a roommate issue or talking one on one with the sorority new member educator if they are not feeling connected can all be ways to create comfort and confidence. Asking for help is a life skill we all need to continue to practice.  Check in on her won’t you?