In watching Mary Claire navigate through this first college semester, it has become clear to me that she has developed some wonderful networks and mentoring relationships, mostly in her experiences with older Delta Gammas and her interactions with her honors program advisors.  It made me want to share my thoughts on peer mentoring with all of you parents out there who may still be looking for ways to encourage your own daughters to seek advice and encouragement from those physically present in their daily lives.

Finding an upperclassman or a peer mentor/advisor in one’s college of interest or in one’s sorority can bring a wealth of knowledge and confidence to the new college freshman. In the last few weeks, when Mary Claire has been trying to decide what classes to register for next semester, whether she should seek out part time employment, or even if she should consider running for a sorority office, her older DG sisters have been a huge help.  When she has come to me asking my advice, I have encouraged her to call or text the women she knows and respects living at Delta Gamma.  She also has some special friendships with upperclassmen in other sororities whom she can consult.  This has proven invaluable to her re: the recent decisions she has had to make.

There will always be a handful of older sorority sisters who are involved on campus, leaders in their chapter, and savvy in campus employment and involvement opportunities. They are usually the sorority sisters who enthusiastically love sharing this information with their new members so our daughters should take advantage of this resource.  Peer mentoring is a valuable tool that can assist our daughters in several areas: academics, leadership development, employment, relational and social issues, spiritual development…the list goes on and on.

As the holidays approach we are looking forward to having our college student back home amidst the family chaos. I want to wish all of you a safe and blessed time with your family this month and into the New Year.

You shall have a song as in the night

when a Holy Feast is kept;

and gladness of heart.  -Isaiah 30:29

A Parent’s  Adjustment

Okay…so my last blog focused on my daughter and the challenging path she was on trying to make her way…then I got a bit egocentric after sitting at the dinner table with all men listening to their  “not to be repeated” banter who owned who on the football field…yadayadayada… and I started feeling sorry for myself in all my femaleness!  And then I thought about the rest of you out there (moms and dads alike)  … those of us sentimental (while a bit melancholy) parents who are still trying to adjust to the fact that this unique personality has been torn out of our home!  Because we share the same town, I am blessed to have my daughter pop in for a laundry run, a piece of birthday cake (Her three brothers all had September birthdays!?) or a piece of clothing she discovered she needed for a theme party. This doesn’t take away the reality, however, that in our daily round full of football and soccer games, homework, piano lessons, work schedules, school volunteering, cooking and home management…Mary Claire’s place in all of this is quietly slipping away. I know intellectually that this is part of our family process-to facilitate the loosening and gradual unraveling of our core family. I know the goal is for our children to create their own families interdependently from this one. But what to do about a parent’s broken heart? For my comfort and solace I have created a playlist of songs as a bit of music therapy if you will. Enjoy and try and remember the famous quote by Dr. Seuss:  “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Parent Play List- October 2009

Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mama Mia Soundtrack/Meryl Streep

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it be by The Beatles

Sister by Dave Matthews Band

Home by Michael Buble’

Calendar Girl by The Stars

Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) by Billy Joel

A Mother’s Prayer by Celine Dion

Now Comes the Night by Rob Thomas

Daughters (Live) by John Mayer

Child of Mine by Carole King

Home by Jenny Bruce

Angel’s Lullaby by Richard Marx

Common Threads by Bobby McFerrin

Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) by Chris Rice

Night Prayer by Jim Brickman

Here I Am by Tracy Silverman

A Cradle in Bethlehem by Nat King Cole

Find Yourself by Brad Paisley/Cars Soundtrack

The Best Day by Taylor Swift

Tuesday, Recruitment Day One: Eight Events

Mary Claire texted me in the early part of the morning and was ecstatic to receive 12 event invitations! She was able to choose eight chapters to visit and called later that morning to tell me that she had gotten to meet with her Recruitment Guide small group last night and they had all gone to breakfast together today.  There are 13 young women going through Recruitment on her dorm floor so it will be fun for them to connect and get to know one another during this process. Having that small group of new friends is huge for Mary Claire as she does not have a lot of high school friends attending the University with her and one good friend is not living on campus.  I have encouraged Mary Claire to get to know as many girls as she can because it makes it so much more enjoyable and worthwhile.  She called me at the end of this long exhausting day to tell me that she had fun, was totally wiped out, spilled something on her skirt halfway through, and loved several chapters, describing various members at each one.  I viewed her first day of Recruitment as a success because it can be such an overwhelming experience and with her sense of humor seemingly intact, I think she more than survived.

Wednesday, Recruitment Day Two: Five Events

The text came from MC again to tell me she received eight event invitations back for this second day of recruitment and had to narrow it down to five chapters. One of her invitations was from a sorority on campus that she did not visit the day before which meant that one of the chapters she really enjoyed did not invite her back.  She was disappointed. I think in general, we are all hurt or disappointed when someone or some group seemingly ‘rejects’ us.  I visited with her by phone before her day got underway and suggested she focus on the other chapters she loved that did invite her back and let this go and trust the process.

The relationships made in Sorority life can be so enriching but with over 700 young women going through the Recruitment process at Nebraska, there has to be some narrowing down on both sides of the fence so to speak.  Often times chapters narrow down based on a scholastic baseline. If a young woman is not off to a great start with a grade transcript from high school, they can always wait a semester or two and establish themselves on their college campus, meet Sorority women in class and in student organizations and then go through formal Recruitment or possibly pledge in a less formal way depending on their campus process. It takes patience but is well worth the effort and waiting.   Sometimes, too, when a young woman is a legacy to another chapter like Mary Claire, that fact plays into the invitation lists in some fashion.   For Mary Claire, the disappointment seemed to be short lived as she called in the early evening to say how much she, again, enjoyed the day and all the women she had met.  She was sad, though, that some of her ‘residence hall’ friends had dropped out of the process all together. I think some had preconceived ideas about which chapter they wanted to join and didn’t get that particular invitation.  I am sad about this and wish all the young women going through recruitment could try their best to be very open to all the chapters. It seems to me that each group has something for everyone and the diversity in personalities is there if you only look for it.

Thursday, Recruitment Day Three: Three Events and Preferencing

Mary Claire with some of her new friends in Neihardt Hall.

Mary Claire called to tell me she was excited about this last day of events because the time in each chapter would be longer so she wouldn’t feel so pushed.  She was excited to receive five invitations but had to narrow to three chapters and that was difficult as she had met some really special women at each visit the day before.  In the end she would decide to visit Delta Gamma, Gamma Phi Beta, and Alpha Phi. I am a Delta Gamma and during this process for Mary Claire I have been careful to not pressure her to join my sorority but to look for a ‘home’ where she could feel the way I did at DG 25 years ago. A place where she could be herself and feel loved and supported. I have to admit, though, that when DG was one of the chapters she was visiting the very last day, I began to be hopeful that she would pledge Delta Gamma.  I even received a phone call from my ‘pledge grandmother’, Helen, whom I hadn’t talked to in forever. I learned her daughter was an active member and was Mary Claire’s hostess the day before.  While catching up with her on the phone, memories flooded in as we recalled one of the days that she was actually my hostess for an event!

Before I ended my conversation with Mary Claire earlier that day, I encouraged her to look around the rooms at each of the sororities and notice the freshman and sophomore women around her. Were these women she had really connected with and enjoyed getting to know?  These would be the women she would live with the next four years of her life.  The chemistry in those rooms with those younger members and potential new members would lead her on her preferencing path.

Friday, Bid Day: Mary Claire Pledges Delta Gamma

Although Mary Claire did not share with me her preference choices from the previous afternoon, I did get a phone call from the Recruitment Advisor shortly before formal pledging at Delta Gamma to let me know that  Mary Claire had pledged our chapter and inviting me to come to formal pledging. Well that was a wonderful phone call!  I immediately called our dear Delta Gamma friend, Lucy, who is like a grandmother to Mary Claire. Her daughter was my pledge daughter and had passed away a few years ago. We have become very close to Lucy over the past few years and she is one of MC’s difference makers to be sure. Lucy and I decided we could not miss the pledging ceremony so planned to meet at the chapter to surprise Mary Claire. I even found my own pledge pin to share with her.

Delta Gamma new members at the University of Nebraska including Mary Claire daughter of blogger Mary Beth Rice.

The afternoon was memorable for all of us and Mary Claire seemed thrilled and excited (and tired!) with her new friends.  What she couldn’t possibly know yet is just how very special some of these young women surrounding her would come to be to her as they develop their friendships over the next days, months and years.  She is at an incredible time in her life, yet also at an overwhelming time in her life with so many changes and transitions.  Being part of a sorority will help her along her journey…

It is the Sunday before we move Mary Claire into her college residence hall room and we are all fatigued and emotional. We have made so many runs to Bed Bath and Beyond that I have officially run out of my giant blue and white 20% off coupon postcards that have been sitting dog eared in a folder in the car! Strewn all over the kitchen table are brooms that Mary Claire has painted…one last art project to be experienced by us all with her paint blotches all over  paper grocery sacks and Styrofoam plates. It is a welcome mess and I wonder if all the color will slowly fade from our house once she is gone. I will miss the canvas and the brushes but mostly the colors that exuded from them as they spilled out of Mary Claire’s imagination!  Her Dad and I fall into bed that night exhausted and shed a few tears. I think we are sad because we still remember what it was like the day we brought her home from St. Elizabeth’s 18 years ago.  It is a mixture of melancholy, regret for things left undone or unsaid, loneliness and love. Time has simply flown by…

It is Monday and we are up bright and early loading the car.  MC’s little brothers head to campus with us to help haul box upon box up to her room. Later, Rich takes the boys home and grabs our oldest son now home from football practice. The two of them pick up a purchased Futon and deliver it to the room.  I t feels nice to have Mary Claire’s brother’s involved in this process. They don’t realize how much they will miss her presence in our home. Good thing we live in town b/c we ended up taking three huge boxes of clothes, etc., BACK home.  She had to edit…what on earth do folks do when they drive from miles away? ;-0   Mary Claire is excited but nervous and perhaps lonely as her roommate will not be moving in until the end of the week. She chose to go ‘potluck’ and was assigned a nice young woman from Beatrice NE. Her name is Leah and she is not going through recruitment but is in the honors program with Mary Claire.  I hope they will learn to enjoy one another. And, I also hope Mary Claire rearranges her clothes and things to only occupy HALF of this tiny room?!  Oh my.

Before we said our goodbyes that afternoon, Mary Claire’s recruitment guide stopped in and was an energetic soul with a wonderful sense of humor and a sincere enthusiasm for Greek life.  We learned there are 13 young women on MC”s floor going through recruitment and they will be in a small group together. Their orientation and first meeting is tonight and tomorrow Sorority Recruitment officially begins. We left Mary Claire and knew she was about to experience an incredible week, forging new friendships and growing in her independence.

As I close this entry I want to say a little something about texting.  I have never in the past been a fan and have made it my passion in some of my educational endeavors to encourage young adults and youth to see the importance of face to face and voice to voice communication. Developing interpersonal skills as one matures is key to having healthy relationships. However, I have seen over the past few years as my kids have entered high school that there is a place for this more technically oriented mode of communication. I encourage all parents of teenagers to at least learn the basics of sending and receiving text messages so they can connect with their young adults. (This younger generation has embraced texting as their main form of connecting with one another and often responds to a text much quicker than even a voice mail on their cell phone or an email. I do believe there is no going back!)

I am not planning on hovering over Mary Claire by any means and am a believer in the healthy launching of these incredibly capable young human beings. However, Sunday evening as I turned in for the evening, I received a ‘goodnight’ text from Mary Claire.  I imagine she was lonely in that dorm room by herself and being able to connect briefly with her made us both get a better night sleep.   The adventure begins tomorrow…