As April blended into May, and final exams were complete, my daughter moved home for the summer and I couldn’t have been more excited.   Mary Claire and her many new ‘belongings’ (How did she get all that stuff in her dorm room I want to know??!) have landed for a brief respite in her attic bedroom. Upon her return, I have been reflecting on this past freshman year for my daughter and mulling over the successes and bumps in the road. All in all, it has been a very successful adventure for her and she has grown immensely in learning about herself, about others, and about what she is most passionate.

A huge blessing in her affiliation with her sorority has been the service culture in which they have immersed her.  As a Millennial, she has grown up in a school system that has a focus on community service so she is open and looking for opportunities to work as a team toward a common goal to make a difference.  Through her sorority, she had many opportunities to have an impact on others.

The volunteer experiences she had have run the gamut:  Sundaes on Sunday, helping young women do their hair, nails, and make up for the School for the Blind prom, reading for the blind, nursing home visits, various walks for hearts, for cures, for life…the infamous Dance Marathon.  There were numerous other events including her support of her other sorority and fraternity friends’ chapter philanthropies across campus.

Delta Gamma's Spring Ice Cream Social Fund Raiser

Certainly all of these experiences have prepared her for a lifetime of giving back in whatever community she settles in upon graduation.  I am so grateful that her Greek experience has fostered this in such a fun and rewarding way, and it is yet another important aspect of sorority life that we need to appreciate for our Greek affiliated daughters.

As Mother’s Day approaches I write this blog in gratitude for my own mother, my only daughter, and for the other mothers, daughters, and sisters in my life who are a part of who I have become over the years.  I wish them a blessed Mother’s Day and thank them for all the joy and loving support they have brought to my life.  A quote I read once by Abraham Lincoln says it best:  I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me.  They have clung to me all my life.

As I reflect on my relationships with all of these special women, the women in my circle with sorority affiliations are certainly on that list –and with great fondness.  Though my mom and I do not share the same sorority membership (She is delighted to be Pi Beta Phi as I am blessed to be a Delta Gamma!), her love of her collegiate experience was shared with me throughout my childhood through the stories she told me and in the special women she introduced me to as her Pi Phi sisters while I was growing up.  I always hoped I would have that same opportunity to forge lifelong friendships.

I so enjoyed the family structure within my own chapter and have several humorous and warm hearted memories of special moments with my own pledge “mom”, Amy, and pledge “daughter”, Anne.  Delta Gamma Mom’s Day was also looked forward to each spring as we paid special tribute to our own dear mothers, shared a wonderful meal of sorts, and then hit the mall for some shopping –financed by mom to no one’s surprise?!

Because my daughter and I do have the same sorority affiliation, we are doubly blessed and our chapter provides many experiences for us to share that enrich our traditional mom-daughter relationship. Of all the things I enjoyed watching Mary Claire experience this year, witnessing her relationships bloom with her new sisters was incredible.

The bond between mothers and daughters is passionately strong. While in graduate school, I remember reading an article shared with me by a good friend (and Delta Gamma sister) about the “Adolescent Daughter/Midlife Mother Dyad” and how complicated it can be –sounds way too academic as I drink coffee this morning trying to rally my mind and body around several cold windy baseball games I am traveling to later this morning but bear with me?! Although I had no children at the time, I somehow knew that I needed to tuck the wisdom from that article somewhere in my heart to utilize on another day (and who knew it could be 20 years later?)

The just of the article discussed the similarities that teenage daughters have with their middle aged moms: those of identity formation (she is trying to discover hers while we are trying to reinvent ours), and the insecurity and frustration that might come from transitions physically as our bodies develop, emotionally as relationships change, and intellectually as we add new experiences in our lives and try to make sense of them.

Certainly Mary Claire and I have both made adjustments and transitions the past few years. She has stretched herself in her development of a wider array of friends, in having her basic values challenged by others around her socially and emotionally, and in finding and maintaining a rhythm of time management and growth in her academic discipline to name a few.  (And me…well the only adjustments that come to mind at this early hour involve hot flashes and middle of the night alertness issues but I will get back to you on the other ones soon!)

Back to the point of the article as I ramble on in this blog– to suggest that instead of “butting heads” or taking out our moods and stress on one another, we should be eachother’s support, lifting up and encouraging one another with enthusiasm, tenderness and a sense of humor so to share our energy and hope for what is to come.  There…whew…heavy stuff to ponder on a sunny, windy, cold Nebraska morning… On this year’s official Mother’s Day weekend, I wish all of you a wonderful time celebrating with those you love most.

I’ve experienced the birth of babies and there is nothing like it: when a child who has been conceived in love is born to a man and woman, the joy of that birth sings throughout the universe.

- Madeleine L’ Engle, author and Mother

Delta Gamma Mom's Day 2010

While my daughter was living under our roof this past week, we realized that she was getting late night calls to rescue friends who had become impaired and could no longer drive home safely. As a parent I realize that attending college is a time for new found independence and with that comes some experimentation and oftentimes some unwise or risky choices.  While I appreciate my daughter’s concern for her friends, as a parent I worry about her own safety when she is out driving at potentially dangerous times in the early morning. (Did I mention my concern for sleep deprivation and that effect alone on health, academic performance, etc.??)

Drug and Alcohol counselors will all say that a tough love approach is the best course for friends who are consistently practicing risky behaviors. There is a saying: Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, but three times is a pattern. Doing a favor once for a friend is kind but repeatedly rescuing that friend will only enable the poor choices he/she is making.  Every campus and some Greek Fraternities and Sororities have designated driver programs or taxi services that can be utilized to get a safe ride home late in the evening. Here are some things a parent can do to encourage one’s daughter to make safe choices:

1. Encourage your daughter to create a list of these local services with their contact information. Include the community taxi cab service as well. She can put these phone numbers in her own cell phone and share this list with a friend who may be calling her for rides late at night.

2. Teach your daughter about safe boundaries so she can take care of herself while still feeling like she is being a supportive friend. Discuss the concepts of ‘enabling others’ and ‘boundary setting’, emphasizing that these are key life and relational skills. Suggesting her phone be set to silence or vibrate while she sleeps at night might give her some consistent blocks of healthy sleep.

3. If your daughter is moving home for the summer break and anytime she is sleeping under your roof, make sure and pre teach the family rules and constructively set your own personal boundaries of curfews and other rules that need to be followed to maintain a healthy family culture.

Realizing that we do not control the choices of others, we can still lovingly communicate expectations and hopes for these precious people in our lives…

I have been musing over this for a while. 

For collegians, springtime means the lining up of summer jobs and internships.  So here is what I have been thinking about:  if I ran a business and I was considering two applicants (only one being a sorority member) with similar academic qualifications for a particular position, I would hire the sorority woman.  No question about it.

Why –

1)    Leadership Experience:  The sorority woman has had continual opportunities for holding positions of leadership and observing those in leadership positions.  Over and over, she has been given the freedom to

- try out ideas

- initiate projects and carry them through to the end

- figure out how to motivate people. 

She isn’t just reading about leadership, she is experiencing leadership.  So, when she comes to my business, she has an arsenal of ideas that she has already tried out.  How can the non-sorority member compete?

2)    Open to New Ideas:  The sorority member is a bit of a calculated risk taker.  After all, she DID go through recruitment.  An employee who is willing to (and knows how to) charge into unchartered territories is going to be great for my business.  Can the non-sorority member compete?

3)    Plays well with others:  Hello???  What is a sorority but a group of woman learning to get along with one another in all sorts of situations?  I would feel confident that a sorority member has developed the people skills necessary to fit in well with my other employees.  Can the non-sorority member compete?

4)    Connections:  I know that the sorority member (this future employee) has a large network of friends should I be in the position to hire others.  Can the non-sorority member compete?

Now, let’s forget that I am the “employer” and lets look at this job search from the potential employee’s point of view…If I were composing a resume or interviewing for a job, I would not neglect to mention how my sorority experience enhances my qualifications (see the above #1, 2, 3, and 4).  Sorority member vs. non-sorority member – this is not a level playing field.

Reading Jane Heiserman’s blogs on navigating the Out-Of-State Obstacle Course have been entertaining and enlightening!  They also gave me fodder for this next blog for those of us who have daughters attending college nearby. The nature of this circumstance is different so worth commenting on.

The question jumping out so quickly? How do you set boundaries or guidelines for smooth transitions when your daughter comes home for a day or a weekend? This issue caught us off guard in December, when Mary Claire decided to come home for a few days during her final week of classes. My excitement at having her home for a bit, sleeping in her own bed, and watching our favorite weekly television drama together did cloud the fact that she basically upset the apple cart for the rest of the family!

Gone was our morning school routine with her brothers:  Dirty dishes in the sink,  cereal box on the counter, laptop and papers strewn all over the breakfast table as if she were in her dorm room working alone on a project.  These were clues that her arrival for the longer holiday break might be ‘messy’ and caused some tension to be sure. It also made me realize that we needed to make a plan for her holiday break as well as her future overnight visits which we do relish. What do other parents do to make this transition smooth?  I would welcome ideas and suggestions for all of us first time college parents out there.

Mary Claire’s inaugural finals week has come and gone, Christmas and all of its joyful chaos has passed, and we are currently into our third week of the 2^nd University semester. Did we make a plan?  No, we did not, and, fortunately, winging it all worked out for the short term.   I do, however, have some ideas for future visits.

1. Make sure your college student has an out of the way space to layout homework and projects.  Somewhere quiet like a basement game table or her bedroom desk area.  Even a formal dining room table might be out of the way so the rest of the family banter is not a distraction.

2. Discuss with your daughter the family schedule, asking her how she wants to fit into it instead of trying to change it. In other words, letting her know what time is convenient for our family meal and letting her choose to eat with us or not instead of changing our routine to fit her hunger pains. (Navigating through after school piano lessons, baseball practice for one, basketball for another, etc., only leaves us very specific windows to share a meal.  Take it or leave it missy!  :-0 )

3.  Ask your daughter ahead of the moment for specific things she can do to help out, making her visits fun and enjoyable. Even just setting the rule that she clean up after herself and/or assist in folding some laundry when she has brought hers home to mix in would be helpful.

As a family we have discussed some of these ideas, and I already feel some calmness and structure.   Hmmmm…Spring and summer breaks are just around that corner, so additional ideas from readers would be fabulous…