I realize it is now February and we are one month in to 2012, but this blog is more of a reflection of one’s past year and how it impacts one’s future so the Tennyson quote seems right on. I was sitting in a yoga class toward the conclusion of last year and I had an epiphany of sorts. My instructor was asking us to set our intention for the particular hour together and shared her own insight about the “No’s” in her life; those desires that she had that did not come to fruition and also the boundaries that she personally had to set with certain relationships that were seemingly unhealthy. She shared with us how she had come to discover that when there is a “No” in one’s life, the law of balance ensures that a “Yes” will follow. All we have to do is be open to it. Perhaps this means that setting a boundary (a “No”) in a relationship allows for the relationship to change for the better or become less important, and not getting the job offer after several interviews means that there is a different opportunity that is a better fit for us in relation to where we are in our lives.  It seems simple … out of a “No” comes a “Yes”.

My epiphany came in the form of a discovery as to what my role is as a parent to my four children, in particular my daughter who is embarking on her final semester of her junior year.  As she has matured, gaining momentum in her career and academic pursuits, she has attempted to become involved in various experiences whether they be internships, running for a sorority office, mentoring relationships, honor society memberships, etc. She has been chosen to participate in some of these yet not been selected for others. There is obvious disappointment amidst some feelings of success.

I have learned my role to be one of encourager, inspirer and processor. Encouraging the taking of risks and living wholeheartedly, inspiring my daughter to see her strengths and possibilities, and processing the “Yes’” and, more importantly, the “No’s”.  Aha!  This I can do! This is my epiphany!  Perhaps for our daughters their disappointments might include a relationship ending, a leadership opportunity not to be, being passed over for an internship and so on. As parents we can fill in the blanks with the “No’s” for our own children and also point out the “Yes” that they may not be able to see (a new friendship or free time to explore another interest, selection to an honor society or campus organization where one will meet new faces, a different work experience in a different city … you get the idea.)

I reflect on all my own personal “No’s” and “Yes’” and see their connectedness. I am grateful for this awareness so I can pass this on to my daughter as she is faced with her own. Now that Mary Claire has 5+ semesters and some summer school under her belt, I can look back at a bigger picture and see the semesters that were perhaps more challenging academically or more of a heartache for her emotionally. I can point out to her the peaks when she was “on fire” about school and life and what was going on and when she pulled back a bit in retreat.  All of these experiences are necessary for growth and maturation.  This is our role as a parent of a college age daughter or son:  To encourage, to inspire and to process. Blessings to you in this new year of parenting …

The only thing that isn’t small stuff, is the reason you’re on this earth in the first place: to find that portion of the world’s lost heart that only you can ransom with your love…

-author Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance

But let me backtrack a bit. Yes, Ruthie has finished her first semester of college and on the whole, it was a great semester.  Lots of new friends for her, the fun and joy of being a part of the Zeta Tau Alpha organization, dates, parties, and oh, yes, the studying.  Yes, you really do have to study in college.  It’s quite the lesson to learn that college is NOT a continuation of high school, isn’t it?

For me, it’s been quite an education having two daughters in college.  Wow, I have learned a lot.  Walking the line between two daughters in different sororities, not comparing schools, giving my youngest more freedom, no pushing my oldest to hard … I promise you, it has been quite eye opening.  And I am not so sure that I have been successful at being the mom of two college women.  Have I given them the tools they need to face grownup situations?  Can they really make it without me?

And now the second semester is underway at Millsaps for Lane and Ruthie starts back in a week.  Time to gear myself up for all the fun ahead.  Wait … am I ready for another semester of two in college?? Standby… I’ll let you know quickly!

Though, I’m no longer blogging for SororityParents.com on a regular basis, I just wanted to share with my readers how proud I am as a Panhellenic parent. My daughter Emily was elected Panhellenic President at Appalachian State University!  Here is the article in the paper and a picture we took at her installation. Thanks for letting me share our journey with you.

http://www.theappalachianonline.com/campus/8308-interfratenity-panhellenic-councils-elect-new-executive-officers

There are so many factors, ones she can control and ones she cannot. Factors she can control: How she provides mentoring and role modeling to those younger than her, the amount of time she invests in the chapter and its goals as a current member, how she manages her time, how she relates to a variety of her sisters on a daily basis, and the amount of time she invests in those relationships. Factors she cannot control: Others’ perceptions of her time management, strength of relationships or leadership competencies, and whether or not sisters make judgments on another’s actual abilities to lead in a certain role versus unrelated bias such as just “liking” someone better or being more familiar with someone else.

Encourage her to have an open mind regarding what type of leadership she might provide her chapter. If she only has one specific office or responsibility in mind, she may be shortsighted and unknowingly be eliminating herself from an overall experience in working with an incredible group of women. Remind her, too, that the chapter is made up of many strong leaders, and, if an opportunity to lead her chapter internally is not given to her, there are so many other ways she can represent her sorority and provide leadership through involvement on campus and in the community externally.

The blessing of having the election process take place near Thanksgiving is that there is a break from the process; from the dynamics that can sometimes be emotional or intense. With some rest and unconditional love from her family, she can return back to school renewed and ready to take on whatever responsibilities she has been called to carry out within her chapter, or on campus within her college community.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday…

Fast forward to the first weekend in November.  Back at Union for Homecoming and the Zeta Mother/Daughter/Father weekend.  Great time!  Got to go to the Zeta Open House and the Kappa Delta Open House.  It’s really cool on a small campus how each group supports the other, regardless of Greek affiliation or lack of.   And at the Homecoming halftime activities, Zeta and KD ruled the school.  Miss Union and the Homecoming Queen were a Zeta (the same girl) and lots of KDs on the court.  And I got a new KD button for my collection (yes, I have some strange collections!).  The Zeta banquet was a great time.  Such a small world we live in…sitting at the table with some of Ruthie’s sisters and their friends led to many conversations about where people were from which led to conversations about “do you know?”  Loved seeing Ruthie interact with all her friends.  I am a proud, proud Mama.

And don’t forget Lane at Millsaps.  She is just working, studying, working, studying…okay, not all the time but she is a busy girl.  It’s been a fun time in KD for Lane with new members, lots of philanthropy events (she’s the photographer) and football games and Homecoming.  But the big news is she is turning 21 on November 10! What? How in the world did that happen?  I can’t have a child that is 21, right? Okay, so I do…and what a wonderful daughter she is.  But let me tell you…girl drama.  Yes, girl drama.  You know, one friend dates one boy then they break up and another friend starts “talking” to that boy and after months, they decide to stop dating and then the first girl gets mad and yes, you got it, Lane caught in the middle!  Oh, if girls could only realize they hurt themselves with all the boy drama.  But it’s a part of growing up…just one I wish my babies didn’t have to go through.

But back to the topic of time flying…how could it be that Lane has 5 weeks of school left and Ruthie has 5 weeks left?  Where has the time gone?

For any of you who are feeling that emptiness or sadness, I encourage you to revisit my blog post on October 19, 2009, entitled A Parent’s Adjustment:  Coping with the Loss of Your Family as You Knew it. If anything, you can create an awesome playlist to have in your car while running your other children, driving to and from work, etc. (Ideas for the playlist are posted.)

Take heart that we are not alone in these life transitions — just as our daughters are not alone in theirs.  Blessings to all of you during this time…

I loved the glimpse I received in visiting the internship location and store Mary Claire worked out of several days while there and listening to stories that she and her roomie, Becca,  had of their varied work responsibilities. Navigating the Metro and pushing their way through foot traffic seemed 2^nd nature to them only after a few weeks in the city.

In discussing this blog topic with Mary Claire, we came up with the top ten lessons learned and/or pieces of advice for your family when you and your daughter are blessed with this experience:

1.  From Mom:  Listen more than you talk when having phone conversations with your daughter. She is finding her way and some frustration is a good thing. Allowing her to talk it through and discover solutions of her own is crucial to her maturation.

2.  From Mom: Become familiar with SKYPE and Google Earth and involve the family in learning about the location your daughter is visiting. They can learn a lot about this process too for future reference. Also, utilize your daughter in mentoring younger siblings from afar. Mary Claire was often missing her brothers and welcomed encouraging them and listening to their challenges and successes from a distance.

3.  From Mom:  If visiting your daughter, bring an empty suitcase to “lighten” the load upon return for shopping purchases, etc. (May I remind you we had overweight baggage on the way out?!)

4.  From Mom:  Don’t have an agenda and let her show you the city/location from her perspective. There was so much to see that I decided to let Mary Claire suggest what we did and where we went. It was more relaxing for me not to have an agenda and I could save up my energy for late nights and early mornings. We had a wonderful time!

5.  From Daughter:  Make sure and have a GPS application on your phone and know how to use it so you get lost less frequently in a new city!

6.  From Daughter:  When searching for internships, begin early! Use your personal network of family friends, professors, advisors, etc. Beginning your search in the fall prior to the summer time frame is NOT too early.

7.  From Daughter:  Select internship programs that are structured and have an outline of responsibilities and purpose. Because Mary Claire’s opportunity to stay in the city came after the first of the year, she relied on personal contacts to network and find possibilities. This worked out well for her given the short notice but she did not work in businesses that had formal internship programs. On the other hand, a sorority sister also in NYC had an experience with a company that had a formal program and there seemed to be more structure and purpose to it.

8.  From Daughter:  Research the location re: housing, additional part time work (most internships are not paid), etc. Again, use your Greek network. Obtain the contact information for a family friend or two or sorority alumnae nearby in case you need the support or advice locally.

9.  From Daughter:  Research possible internship scholarship opportunities through your college and sorority. For example, a mentoring organization through the University of Nebraska offers scholarship money for students who have secured unpaid internships. The application deadline is in the early part of 2^nd semester so an internship should be pinned down by the end of 1^st semester

10. From Mom & Daughter:   Follow up all internship experiences (whether they were satisfying or not) with handwritten thank you notes to internship supervisors, folks who helped fund your internship, your network that helped you obtain the internship, and the friend who housed you or  bought you a meal…anyone who assisted you along the way!

Traveling to other parts of our country or abroad encourages your daughter to see the world from a wider lens and become involved in projects that are larger than her own local world. This is an important part of her undergraduate educational experience that opens up her mind and fosters acceptance and tolerance in her daily life. It’s a good thing.

So, how to put an end to this year?  I am a big Broadway Musical person and as I am thinking of what to write I am drawn to RENT-Seasons of Love.  How do you measure a year?

I measure this last year in:

• Letters-from the letter my daughter wrote me after she pledged AOII, to the matching patterns of AOII and ZTA that we bought and to the set of large wooden AOII letters that my husband and I made for her chapter. I love my ZTA but have come to love AOII just as much.
• Phone calls and visits-I have always had a close relationship with Emily and I wondered a year ago how that would change with her not living at home. I am so blessed to have a daughter that wants to talk to her mom! Weekly phone calls, my 2 trips up to App. State and her visits home have kept us connected.  I love having her call and tell me about her experiences.  We have laughed until we have cried-I love that she is having such a great time!
• Achievement-Deans List, choosing a major, becoming an officer in her chapter, serving on a Panhellenic Committee, getting her first job.  What a year!

I also would like to leave some words of wisdom to for parents who are just gearing up for their daughters to go through recruitment:

• Be supportive.  You may have not been Greek, or she may choose a different Fraternity than yours.  She needs to know that you are on her side no matter what.
• Prepare her for recruitment. I think recruitment is like a wedding-everyone looks great, there is dancing and singing and people laughing.  Everyone is in love! But after the wedding there is a marriage that needs to be nurtured.  It won’t always be like that-there will be ups and downs. Help her not get caught up in the glitz and glam and really look at the underlying values.
• Be a good listener.  The more she is willing to tell you about what she is going through, the more you will understand. I struggle with this from time to time, but am learning that her experience is not mine and I need to not butt in and tell her how I did it.  I just need to listen and be there for her.
• Be proud of your daughters.  Sorority life is like no other experience. To decide to join a Fraternity is a big decision.  And while most enter the experience just wanting friends, they leave with so much more: skills to use in the work world, an understanding of how to get along with others, committing to a purpose and a mission, aligning  actions to a set of values.  You are going to be amazed at how your daughter grows and learns with the support of her Fraternity!

Thank you NPC for giving me this opportunity to share my thoughts with our community.  I hope I have made an impact and will continue to find ways to promote Sorority life!

Fraternally,

Darlene

Forced to be alert at wee hours of the morning, having overweight luggage that cut into her shopping budget (I told her not to pack all those shoes?), and traveling alone enhanced my daughter’s anxiety but she finally arrived in NYC and met her soon to be roommate (and dear childhood friend) and her roomie’s mom and sister who had arrived from a different airline. Again, another incredible mother assists in lightening my own maternal worries by escorting the girls into the city and helping them settle a bit. Thanks, dear Peggy!

Once familiar with her environment, learning where the nearest grocer, drugstore, and ATM were located, Mary Claire began two internship experiences that have allowed her a ‘taste’ of East Coast culture with a glimpse into an industry in which she may want to work someday. In listening to her share stories when in touch, I know there have been exciting and fun moments as well as pieces of reality that have allowed her to mature. One comment in a text on her first day at one location was that “People aren’t very nice. I ate lunch by myself.” Another text after she had to spend her money at the local drugstore for medication for a flu bug she caught stated, “Mom, I hate being a grown up.”  My heart goes out to her reminiscing on my own “growing up” experiences, and I know she will be kinder, wiser, and the better for all of it.

When all of you sorority parents have a daughter interning in some far off place, there are a few technical wonders that can keep you connected: The SKYPE experience was fun in having Mary Claire use her laptop to scan her apartment so we could have a visual of where she was living. Just to see her animated, excited face made us feel satisfied that this would be a good thing. Google Earth is another amazing tool. Mary Claire’s brother, Sam, and I had a blast typing in her apartment address and actually viewing the buildings and stores and street corners surrounding her for the summer. And finally, encourage your daughter to blog. Mary Claire’s blog, http://mcrnyc.blogspot.com/, while not often updated, has given me an idea of her experiences as if we perhaps were visiting at the kitchen table after a day of work and adventure.

But wait, this blog was about that invaluable human connection in our Greek affiliations and the blessings it brings to our daughters!  Thus, I cannot forget to mention my dear sorority sister from long ago who keeps checking up on Mary Claire and is planning on coming into the city next week to visit her. Or, Mary Claire’s own good friend and DG sister, Megan, who arrived in NYC a few weeks prior and has connected with her as a familiar face in a far off place!

Most especially, I want to share the most loving gesture by another sorority sister and “Mom and Grandmother” to my MC and me. This special lady has mentored and loved my family for years and we have a connection through DG because I had the privilege of knowing and being a pledge mom and friend to her own daughter. Traveling often in her work allows her to collect many frequent flyer miles and as soon as she heard of Mary Claire’s opportunity she gifted a round trip plane ticket to her to help defray the expense of this experience. Wow! Our family was so grateful. On Easter Sunday, as if her gift to Mary Claire wasn’t enough, she called to tell me she wanted to do the same for me so I could have a NYC visit with my daughter reminiscent of the wonderful trips she and her own daughter took to NYC years ago. “It has to be purely fun!” she advised me.

I am humbled by the love and good wishes that have surrounded this internship experience for my daughter. I am excited to complete my blogging series on this topic upon return next week from New York City. I hope I personally have many opportunities to assist others in creating this experience for themselves in the future. Remembering the Alfred Lord Tennyson quote, I am a part of all I have met, reminds me that our friendships through Greek life are lifelong and multigenerational. Be grateful that your daughters have this connection.