I realize it is now February and we are one month in to 2012, but this blog is more of a reflection of one’s past year and how it impacts one’s future so the Tennyson quote seems right on. I was sitting in a yoga class toward the conclusion of last year and I had an epiphany of sorts. My instructor was asking us to set our intention for the particular hour together and shared her own insight about the “No’s” in her life; those desires that she had that did not come to fruition and also the boundaries that she personally had to set with certain relationships that were seemingly unhealthy. She shared with us how she had come to discover that when there is a “No” in one’s life, the law of balance ensures that a “Yes” will follow. All we have to do is be open to it. Perhaps this means that setting a boundary (a “No”) in a relationship allows for the relationship to change for the better or become less important, and not getting the job offer after several interviews means that there is a different opportunity that is a better fit for us in relation to where we are in our lives.  It seems simple … out of a “No” comes a “Yes”.

My epiphany came in the form of a discovery as to what my role is as a parent to my four children, in particular my daughter who is embarking on her final semester of her junior year.  As she has matured, gaining momentum in her career and academic pursuits, she has attempted to become involved in various experiences whether they be internships, running for a sorority office, mentoring relationships, honor society memberships, etc. She has been chosen to participate in some of these yet not been selected for others. There is obvious disappointment amidst some feelings of success.

I have learned my role to be one of encourager, inspirer and processor. Encouraging the taking of risks and living wholeheartedly, inspiring my daughter to see her strengths and possibilities, and processing the “Yes’” and, more importantly, the “No’s”.  Aha!  This I can do! This is my epiphany!  Perhaps for our daughters their disappointments might include a relationship ending, a leadership opportunity not to be, being passed over for an internship and so on. As parents we can fill in the blanks with the “No’s” for our own children and also point out the “Yes” that they may not be able to see (a new friendship or free time to explore another interest, selection to an honor society or campus organization where one will meet new faces, a different work experience in a different city … you get the idea.)

I reflect on all my own personal “No’s” and “Yes’” and see their connectedness. I am grateful for this awareness so I can pass this on to my daughter as she is faced with her own. Now that Mary Claire has 5+ semesters and some summer school under her belt, I can look back at a bigger picture and see the semesters that were perhaps more challenging academically or more of a heartache for her emotionally. I can point out to her the peaks when she was “on fire” about school and life and what was going on and when she pulled back a bit in retreat.  All of these experiences are necessary for growth and maturation.  This is our role as a parent of a college age daughter or son:  To encourage, to inspire and to process. Blessings to you in this new year of parenting …

The only thing that isn’t small stuff, is the reason you’re on this earth in the first place: to find that portion of the world’s lost heart that only you can ransom with your love…

-author Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance

But let me backtrack a bit. Yes, Ruthie has finished her first semester of college and on the whole, it was a great semester.  Lots of new friends for her, the fun and joy of being a part of the Zeta Tau Alpha organization, dates, parties, and oh, yes, the studying.  Yes, you really do have to study in college.  It’s quite the lesson to learn that college is NOT a continuation of high school, isn’t it?

For me, it’s been quite an education having two daughters in college.  Wow, I have learned a lot.  Walking the line between two daughters in different sororities, not comparing schools, giving my youngest more freedom, no pushing my oldest to hard … I promise you, it has been quite eye opening.  And I am not so sure that I have been successful at being the mom of two college women.  Have I given them the tools they need to face grownup situations?  Can they really make it without me?

And now the second semester is underway at Millsaps for Lane and Ruthie starts back in a week.  Time to gear myself up for all the fun ahead.  Wait … am I ready for another semester of two in college?? Standby… I’ll let you know quickly!

Though, I’m no longer blogging for SororityParents.com on a regular basis, I just wanted to share with my readers how proud I am as a Panhellenic parent. My daughter Emily was elected Panhellenic President at Appalachian State University!  Here is the article in the paper and a picture we took at her installation. Thanks for letting me share our journey with you.

http://www.theappalachianonline.com/campus/8308-interfratenity-panhellenic-councils-elect-new-executive-officers

There are so many factors, ones she can control and ones she cannot. Factors she can control: How she provides mentoring and role modeling to those younger than her, the amount of time she invests in the chapter and its goals as a current member, how she manages her time, how she relates to a variety of her sisters on a daily basis, and the amount of time she invests in those relationships. Factors she cannot control: Others’ perceptions of her time management, strength of relationships or leadership competencies, and whether or not sisters make judgments on another’s actual abilities to lead in a certain role versus unrelated bias such as just “liking” someone better or being more familiar with someone else.

Encourage her to have an open mind regarding what type of leadership she might provide her chapter. If she only has one specific office or responsibility in mind, she may be shortsighted and unknowingly be eliminating herself from an overall experience in working with an incredible group of women. Remind her, too, that the chapter is made up of many strong leaders, and, if an opportunity to lead her chapter internally is not given to her, there are so many other ways she can represent her sorority and provide leadership through involvement on campus and in the community externally.

The blessing of having the election process take place near Thanksgiving is that there is a break from the process; from the dynamics that can sometimes be emotional or intense. With some rest and unconditional love from her family, she can return back to school renewed and ready to take on whatever responsibilities she has been called to carry out within her chapter, or on campus within her college community.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday…

Fast forward to the first weekend in November.  Back at Union for Homecoming and the Zeta Mother/Daughter/Father weekend.  Great time!  Got to go to the Zeta Open House and the Kappa Delta Open House.  It’s really cool on a small campus how each group supports the other, regardless of Greek affiliation or lack of.   And at the Homecoming halftime activities, Zeta and KD ruled the school.  Miss Union and the Homecoming Queen were a Zeta (the same girl) and lots of KDs on the court.  And I got a new KD button for my collection (yes, I have some strange collections!).  The Zeta banquet was a great time.  Such a small world we live in…sitting at the table with some of Ruthie’s sisters and their friends led to many conversations about where people were from which led to conversations about “do you know?”  Loved seeing Ruthie interact with all her friends.  I am a proud, proud Mama.

And don’t forget Lane at Millsaps.  She is just working, studying, working, studying…okay, not all the time but she is a busy girl.  It’s been a fun time in KD for Lane with new members, lots of philanthropy events (she’s the photographer) and football games and Homecoming.  But the big news is she is turning 21 on November 10! What? How in the world did that happen?  I can’t have a child that is 21, right? Okay, so I do…and what a wonderful daughter she is.  But let me tell you…girl drama.  Yes, girl drama.  You know, one friend dates one boy then they break up and another friend starts “talking” to that boy and after months, they decide to stop dating and then the first girl gets mad and yes, you got it, Lane caught in the middle!  Oh, if girls could only realize they hurt themselves with all the boy drama.  But it’s a part of growing up…just one I wish my babies didn’t have to go through.

But back to the topic of time flying…how could it be that Lane has 5 weeks of school left and Ruthie has 5 weeks left?  Where has the time gone?

On the 20 of November – one day earlier – we, as a family could have written on a matchbook cover everything we knew about hazing. Now, nearly three years later, we know more than we ever wanted to know about this epidemic that continues to strike college campuses.

We know now that a combination of planned and executed fraternity hazing, unlimited and fatal amounts of alcohol, blind obedience to mob thinking and a devotion to making ‘the pledge’ all conspired together to take Michael from us.

We know that some of our son’s final words to me were ‘Dad, don’t worry about me. My brothers look up to me and would do anything for me.’ We know now, of course, that neither was true. Lives of young college students continue to be lost to indifference.

In our own blindness, we, as Michael’s parents, were unaware of a long-established history of alcohol abuse, sexual intimidation and assault and general hell-raising. As Michael’s dad, it’s that same ignorance and blindness that I will have to live with forever. When Michael left our embrace, he left us forever. While we can’t re-live the past, we can reach out to parents of college students and caution them, beseech them, cajole them into sitting down with their child and educating them on the stark dangers of alcohol abuse. We can caution them on a tragic blind obedience to a Lord of the Flies mentality that robs one of individualism, self-thinking, wise judgment and faith and confidence in your own abilities to look after oneself in a frontal assault on your own good values and ethics. Mob rule destroys, herd mentality ruins lives; indifference and apathy assault the senses and steal away who you are as a person.

We encourage families to make education and communication the keystones in building their relationship with their college-age sons and daughters. Truth, frankness and candor are virtually irreplaceable in arming your children with the tools they need to survive and thrive in today’s college environment. Make communication a priority and learn about the school your child is to attend. Parents, investigate now – not tomorrow. Learn today – not tomorrow.

Sit your son or daughter down in front of you and be frank, candid, straight-forward, and forthright. Do it like there’s no tomorrow …

With the unpacking, lofting of beds, and decorating of Maddy’s room, there seemed to be an excitement building.  This new chapter of Maddy’s life was really beginning, and this room was the first step.  We were amazed at the rooms we took a peek into.  The decor and setups of the spaces were all different and were so much better than back in my day!  We were proud of Maddy for the amount of “stuff” she brought.  Not too much!  Hopefully that room will stay neat for a day or two!

The first time we called Maddy, I couldn’t believe the difference in the telephone conversation.  This girl was really talking and it was more than yes or no!  She was sharing like crazy and it brought a smile to our faces.  You could feel the joy of independence and of a new step in adulthood.

Now for the growing up part.  Maddy’s first week of classes were off to a good start when on Tuesday, she was notified by friends from home that one of their classmates had passed away unexpectedly.  No eighteen year old child should have to deal with that!  Maddy has certainly not had to deal with death much in her young life.  Other than a great grandmother, there really has not been a lot, let alone a classmate whose death was tragic and preventable.  Growing up is hard, and a death of a friend is difficult.  I am hoping Maddy felt that hug through those phone lines.  Now Maddy was faced with going to classes, homework, and the overwhelming sadness that her friend’s death had on her.  Other than a meltdown in the bookstore over a clicker (it really wasn’t about the clicker), Maddy made it through.  Over the weekend she traveled home for the calling and memorial service at the school.  She was working on homework when our other daughter sent her an instant message.  Maddy told her that she has to check online for homework, and that homework was “all on her”.  This is so different than high school and there is no parent to tell her to do it!  Growing up is hard.

On the sorority front, this week starts open houses.  I asked Maddy what that entails, and she said she has no clue.  I am assuming that the sororities open their suites for prospective members to visit.  This is the first step in the recruitment process.  I guess we will learn together.

For any of you who are feeling that emptiness or sadness, I encourage you to revisit my blog post on October 19, 2009, entitled A Parent’s Adjustment:  Coping with the Loss of Your Family as You Knew it. If anything, you can create an awesome playlist to have in your car while running your other children, driving to and from work, etc. (Ideas for the playlist are posted.)

Take heart that we are not alone in these life transitions — just as our daughters are not alone in theirs.  Blessings to all of you during this time…

I loved the glimpse I received in visiting the internship location and store Mary Claire worked out of several days while there and listening to stories that she and her roomie, Becca,  had of their varied work responsibilities. Navigating the Metro and pushing their way through foot traffic seemed 2^nd nature to them only after a few weeks in the city.

In discussing this blog topic with Mary Claire, we came up with the top ten lessons learned and/or pieces of advice for your family when you and your daughter are blessed with this experience:

1.  From Mom:  Listen more than you talk when having phone conversations with your daughter. She is finding her way and some frustration is a good thing. Allowing her to talk it through and discover solutions of her own is crucial to her maturation.

2.  From Mom: Become familiar with SKYPE and Google Earth and involve the family in learning about the location your daughter is visiting. They can learn a lot about this process too for future reference. Also, utilize your daughter in mentoring younger siblings from afar. Mary Claire was often missing her brothers and welcomed encouraging them and listening to their challenges and successes from a distance.

3.  From Mom:  If visiting your daughter, bring an empty suitcase to “lighten” the load upon return for shopping purchases, etc. (May I remind you we had overweight baggage on the way out?!)

4.  From Mom:  Don’t have an agenda and let her show you the city/location from her perspective. There was so much to see that I decided to let Mary Claire suggest what we did and where we went. It was more relaxing for me not to have an agenda and I could save up my energy for late nights and early mornings. We had a wonderful time!

5.  From Daughter:  Make sure and have a GPS application on your phone and know how to use it so you get lost less frequently in a new city!

6.  From Daughter:  When searching for internships, begin early! Use your personal network of family friends, professors, advisors, etc. Beginning your search in the fall prior to the summer time frame is NOT too early.

7.  From Daughter:  Select internship programs that are structured and have an outline of responsibilities and purpose. Because Mary Claire’s opportunity to stay in the city came after the first of the year, she relied on personal contacts to network and find possibilities. This worked out well for her given the short notice but she did not work in businesses that had formal internship programs. On the other hand, a sorority sister also in NYC had an experience with a company that had a formal program and there seemed to be more structure and purpose to it.

8.  From Daughter:  Research the location re: housing, additional part time work (most internships are not paid), etc. Again, use your Greek network. Obtain the contact information for a family friend or two or sorority alumnae nearby in case you need the support or advice locally.

9.  From Daughter:  Research possible internship scholarship opportunities through your college and sorority. For example, a mentoring organization through the University of Nebraska offers scholarship money for students who have secured unpaid internships. The application deadline is in the early part of 2^nd semester so an internship should be pinned down by the end of 1^st semester

10. From Mom & Daughter:   Follow up all internship experiences (whether they were satisfying or not) with handwritten thank you notes to internship supervisors, folks who helped fund your internship, your network that helped you obtain the internship, and the friend who housed you or  bought you a meal…anyone who assisted you along the way!

Traveling to other parts of our country or abroad encourages your daughter to see the world from a wider lens and become involved in projects that are larger than her own local world. This is an important part of her undergraduate educational experience that opens up her mind and fosters acceptance and tolerance in her daily life. It’s a good thing.